Is it really possible?... FAITH AFTER DOUBT by Brian McLaren (Part 1)

The “me” I saw in that bathroom mirror had been formed by my faith. God sat at the top of the pyramid of my conceptual universe, like that weird eye on the back of the U.S. dollar bill. If I lost faith in God, if I lost faith in Christianity, what would be left of me?... Yes, there were other complications, practical matters like the question of how I would make a living if I lost faith. But the deepest question that stared me in the face was not financial or professional. It was existential: who would I be without God, without Jesus, without the Holy Spirit, without Christian faith? Would there even be a recognizable me left if I lost my faith?  BM

Some books, like this one, cross my path and invite me into the story. It's those books that stay with me.  I have yet to decide if this one is yet transformational or "life-changing".  I'm not as quick to label my books that way so soon after reading them.  But they stay with me... whether that means they take up space on my bookshelf or megabytes in my iPhone storage.  

I am still on a quest.  I want to feel good about myself for where I am on my journey.  I want to feel that who I am and who I am becoming and what I think about both of those things actually matters. I am still not there.  I still think I am flawed.  I still look to others to validate my existence.  I still need authors like Brian McLaren to remind me that I am okay.  

Something in us wants to belong. But something in us also wants to be free, to be authentic, to be the truest, most genuine version of ourselves that we can. Those two desires can be in tension.

Something in us wants to be honest. But something in us also wants to be liked by those around us. And those two desires can be in tension.

Something in us wants to be good. But something in us also wants to be thought of as good by others. And those two desires are often in tension.

Something in us wants to be consistent. But something in us also wants to keep growing, and growing often means changing. So those two desires often conflict." BM

There it is... the desire to be authentic.  Brian McLaren, like me, values authenticity... (Enneagram 4).  I figure I have a choice in life... and it's not in choosing what I believe.  I agree with Bart Campolo on that premise... I don't choose what I believe, I just believe or I don't believe.  But I think my choice come in what I do as a response to myself and to others.  I think I chose to feel like I don't matter.  I think I could chose to feel like I do matter.  I chose to let others opinions dictate my worth.  I think I could chose to have faith in my own opinions.   Wow... that is a revelation.  

"If we dare take a first step, we discover that faith can be a road, a doorway out of the fortress prison of certainty and into the adventure of living.

Before us lies the unknown, which is our life." BM

This book is an invitation to anyone who has been feeling the tremors beneath their feet.  The ground they stand on is shaking and there seems like nothing to hold on to that makes any sense.  What Brian McLaren offers is not something concrete to hold onto, but a dance lesson to learn how to move one's feet with the tremors. 

For the first time, it dawned on me: there’s a difference between doubting God and doubting my understanding of God, just as there’s a difference between trusting God and trusting my understanding of God. Would I be able to doubt my understanding of God while simultaneously trusting God beyond my understanding? In a strange way, that question for the first time in my life allowed me to see God as a mystery distinct from my concepts of God. BM

As one can see from my other blog posts... labels have been easier for me to let go of.  Especially the label of "God"... but even in letting go of the label because of what it has come to define in my culture, I long to have a connection with that which gave me breath.  So maybe it is the same concept... I could let go of the understanding and just embrace that which I fail to understand but long to still embrace.  

"I was a very loyal person, respectful of authority and always ready to give the benefit of the doubt to my tradition and its spokespeople. But over time, I not only lost confidence in many of the beliefs that gatekeepers required: I lost faith in the gatekeepers themselves and their whole system of using beliefs as markers of belonging. If I was going to be a person of faith, it couldn’t be in a community that was obsessed with policing my beliefs. I needed a different understanding of faith entirely, as something beyond beliefs."BM

I get this... I have been disillusioned with the gatekeepers, and yet scared of them, but conflicted because of the admiration and love I have for some of those gatekeepers.   I don't blame them for holding tight to their beliefs.  I held tight to my beliefs because it was the only security I was given.  I think security is a human need.  So where do we go when that which was secure for us becomes an earthquake.  Maybe we start dancing with the tremors.  

"In that light, the word doubt can mean two very different things. When it is applied to faith that expresses itself in beliefs, it means one thing. When it is applied to faith that expresses itself in revolutionary love, it means something very different. Sometimes, it is only by doubting a religion that expresses itself in beliefs that we can discover a faith that expresses itself in revolutionary love.

That is what I mean by faith after doubt.

To some, that will sound like heresy. To others, it sounds like liberation." BM

I have taken up colouring.  I like the guide lines and creative pictures that have been given me, but I get to fill in the colours.  And lately,  I discovered that I also get to decide how much gets coloured in and how much stays black and white.  I don't need to have all the holes filled in.  It takes the stress out of "completing" something that is so intricate and detailed in design.  I colour what I can and then it becomes something beautiful in its "unfinishedness".  That is my journey.  Life offers me a black and white picture and gives me a bucket of pencil crayons and says "Have at it, be creative, but remember that this is a journey not a destination.  Your picture will still be beautiful even if there are parts of the picture not filled in with your pencil crayons. "

"Faith was about love all along. We just didn’t realize it, and it took doubt to help us see it. " BM

(here is where I get honest... I am only two thirds of the way through the book... so when I get done reading the book, I will do a follow up blog post with my conclusions.  I just got so much already from reading that I wanted to post something. ) 

TO BE CONTINUED...

A New Way to Navigate the Narrative with INSURRECTION by Peter Rollins.

 

"If our faith does not throw us into the arms of the world, if it does not lead to our experience of responsibility, love, celebration, and our commitment to transformation, then, whatever we call it, we have nothing but an empty shell." PR

I continue to find books and authors that mess me up.  Peter Rollins is no exception to that finding.  I went through the book to find some of the quotes that I highlighted and I had so many that it was hard to choose.  I found some to scatter through my blog,  much like Peter Rollins has scattered my brain with this book.  

"Resurrection faith is then manifested in a freedom and liberation in which we are able to courageously and fully embrace this world without repression, resentment, and fear. It is a way of living in love, a love that embraces existence, not because it is perfect, but because it is beautiful in the midst of its very imperfection." PR

I entitled this post "A New Way to Navigate the Narrative".  I've been listening to Pete Rollins on Youtube and on his Podcast and so much of what he says has been helping me to Navigate the Narrative of Christianity in a very different light.  The cover synopsis gives a good overview of Rollins whole direction with a very different message.  

"In this incendiary new work, the controversial author and speaker Peter Rollins proclaims that Christian faith is not primarily concerned with questions regarding life after death but with the possibility of life before death.

In order to unearth this truth, Rollins prescribes a radical and wholesale critique of contemporary Christianity that he calls pyro-theology.  It is only when we submit our spiritual practices, religious rituals and dogmatic affirmations to the flames of fearless interrogation that we come into contact with the reality that Christianity is in the business of transforming our world rather than offering a way of interpreting or escaping it.  Belief in the Resurrection means but one thing: 

 PARTICIPATION IN AN INSURRECTION"

Rollins offers a radical way of looking at Christianity, not what it has become, but what it needs to be.  I thought I was good to toss out the whole enchilada.  But there seems to be something redeemable, a new way to navigate the narrative.  

This book is already ten years old.  I feel like I am very behind.  I don't know if I want to find a way back to the "baby or the bathwater", but I don't mind entertaining the idea that maybe the narrative has something for me that I don't need to toss. 

"Donating money to the poor without asking why the poor exist in the first place, for instance, allows us to alleviate our guilt without fundamentally challenging the system that perpetuates poverty. As the Brazilian archbishop Dom Helder Camara once said, “When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint. When I ask why the poor have no food, they call me a Communist.”" PR

I want to be brave.  I want to say things like this.  I want to call out the world for its insane beliefs.  But I don't.  Maybe that is why I read authors like Peter Rollins.  It gives me great hope that there are voices out there like his reaching people with a different way to see and understand.  

"For Mother Teresa the work itself was the truth. She feared that if her subjective reflections entered the public world then people might lose sight of what really mattered. Mother Teresa never attempted to run away from her experience of divine loss, but neither did she let it destroy her. Rather she was able to find peace with it. She carried the wounds of her Crucifixion, neither hiding them nor showing them off.

Her strength is not staggering because she was able to banish all her doubts, but rather because she was able to acknowledge them without entering into some nihilistic prison. In her utter devotion to bringing life, protecting life, and enriching life, she utterly lost herself. And in losing herself she found joy, peace, happiness, and life." PR

I long for more role models like Mother Teresa.  She was a woman who just did.  Her foundation wasn't on her dogma or theology.  She loved in spite of her doubts and uncertainties and she wasn't pushing for an end to them as much as she just forged ahead in spite of them.  She is to be honored for her doubt, not hidden because of it.  

"I would love to see churches take seriously the idea that mystery, unknowing, brokenness, doubt, and mourning should be expressed in the very structure of the church itself. Religion is a system that gives us a sense of being right, of having the answers and knowing how to stay on the right team. I want to see churches that break religion open through the sermons, music, and prayers; churches that bring us face-to-face with the truth of our unknowing and pain. Not so that we despair, but so that, in bringing it to light and sharing it, we can find healing and light. I would love to see churches emphasize that the highest principle is not some object that we need to love, but rather the act of love itself. That in loving we break open the depth and beauty of what we mean when we say “God." PR

I've often wondered what kind of church would entice me into its circle.  I miss community.  I don't miss the doctrinal expectations or the polarization and division it provided. I don't miss the meaningless to me rituals and addict-like behaviours.  I don't miss the certainty gospel and the uninformed, unquestioned, close-minded gospel.    I do adore people and gathering of people.  I just wish that is all that mattered.  I haven't found anything in my world that would offer that to me so I go without.  

It seems that Peter Rollins is trying to resurrect labels and identities that I am willing to let die in my own life.  Over all this was a great read, challenging and enlightening.  I wish I could be as brave... I'm just not.  

"To experience is to encounter something. But in the Incarnation, Crucifixion, and Resurrection we discover that God is not something we encounter directly and thus is not something that we experience. Rather, God is that which transforms how we experience everything, i.e., love. God is the name we give to the way of living in which we experience the world as worthy of living for, fighting for, and dying for." PR

What I learned the second time I read "JIM AND CASPER GO TO CHURCH" by Jim Henderson and Matt Casper

"I still think every pastor should send people out from his or her own church to anonymously visit other churches. The pastors—and the visitors—would certainly learn a lot, both about what works and about what doesn’t work.

I also think that every Christian should be required to bring one cynic/atheist/unbeliever to church at least once a year (even if it means spending twenty-five dollars once in a while like I did). Doing so would allow Christians to see their churches through the eyes of outsiders.

Each church could keep a journal of these visits and post them for all to see on a public blog. In a church of seventy-five members, that would mean seventy-five cynics would be exposed to that church’s culture every year and share their thoughts. This could lead to some significant improvements in how that congregation does church. I can’t think of one reason not to do that—can you?" JH

As much as I enjoyed the book and the adventure these two went on... my answer to Jim's question is a resounding "YES".  I can think of a few reasons why what they did isn't advised for every church congregation, and definitely not necessary, but the big reason I have is this. 

I DON'T BELIEVE CHURCH IS FOR THE OUTSIDER.  

There... I said it.  And it is a big stereotype, but I will explain myself.  All I really have to go on is my own personal experience with multiple church cultures, church programs, church denominations and church attendees.  Churches are clubs... gathering places for people who want to believe alike, practice the same rituals, preach the same message, support the same doctrines and encourage their families to do and believe the same.  And let me emphasize that my experience, although somewhat extensive and yet still limited in the grand scheme of things,  is inspiring this post.  Churches are not designed to be diverse.  Churches are designed at their core to be exclusive and focused.  That is why there are so many of them and so many different kinds.  

I was introduced to church differences early in my childhood, but I was also introduced to the club mentality and survival mechanisms within that culture.  To this day, I still don't understand "church" as a place where differences can be celebrated, when for most of my experience within the walls, differences were shunned and shamed.  The only place I found myself free to celebrate differences was as an "outsider".  

I still enjoyed Jim and Casper's adventures and this time when I read the book, I jumped around in the chapters and some chapters I read twice.  Grant it, most of the places that Jim and Casper went to were the big famous megachurches... Lakewood, Saddleback, Willow Creek, Mars Hill... so for me it was an unbiased view into those organizations.  Matt Casper didn't hold any punches or observations back and that was refreshing.  He also was honest when he found something that impressed him.  That too was refreshing.  

I spent twenty-five years as a pastor feeling like a failure. JH

I understand Jim's mindset... at least the one portrayed in the book.  This book was published in 2007 and maybe by now, Jim's perspective has evolved a little more... and much due to his friendship with Matt Casper.  But going on his thoughts in this book, I can still understand his frustration.  Christianity's identity is wrapped up in the need to convert the world.  I don't know any other religion so passionate or focused on changing people's minds and beliefs.  It's ironic... I never got that vibe from Jesus and the stories I read about him.  But maybe that is just my interpretation.  

It seems that Jim's purpose in having Matt go along with him, is to open up the eyes of the churches as to the things they could do better to attract "outsiders" into their midst, like that is the main reason they exist.  But did it really make an impression in places like Lakewood and Saddleback?  I doubt it.  

In my mind, humanity is divided into two groups: (1) people who follow Jesus, and (2) everybody else. It doesn’t matter to me whether you call yourself a Christian, a Buddhist, a humanist, an agnostic, or an atheist. If you aren’t following Jesus, you’re in group two. JH

So what is group one and what is group two and what does it have to do with fixing the churches?  Was that the purpose of the whole venture... to point out the flaws and hope that "outsiders" will want to go to church, if it isn't even on their radar? 

This book was entertaining for me... both times.  But my mindset has had a massive shift since 2007.  I would like to imagine that there are not two groups... but one big group... called Humanity.  That would be my hope that one day, we don't have to divide humanity into any groups and we don't have to figure out how to fix our clubs to welcome in people who don't "play our game". 

There are clubs in pretty much every avenue of life... sports, entertainment, social, academic... the list goes on.  I can't see too many chess club members out trying to get converts from the sewing clubs or hockey teams drafting members from baseball teams.  This world has clubs and teams centred around a common interest.  That is how we have been functioning as a race of people for as long as we have existed.  That is how we do things.  The hockey players don't have to look down at the baseball players, just because they pay a different sport, they can appreciate the diversity and variety having more than one game or team is.   So why not let church function the same way?  

 I think what I have appreciated about the story of Jim and Casper... from both books is the openness they both had to learn from each other.  They were honest about their journeys and that is probably why they stayed friends.  I think now it would get old real quick if the only foundation to a relationship was that I would conform to the person who I was having a relationship with.  I know that person... it is me.  I am good at conforming to have relationship.  But now... it is not as inviting for me. I may still do it to a degree, but when I do, I don't like myself.  Is that the life people want for me... to turn myself  into them and not like myself.  Sounds very cruel. 

I also understand not wanting to be a mark for someone's evangelical agenda.  That would get old real quick too.  I hope I and others matter more and have more value than just being a convert target because someone is worried about my eternal destination.  

"Certainty is boring. Certainty is closed off. Certainty is against new information. Certainty is a kind of orthodoxy, really, and it was those kinds of “certainty” moments—when I would hear a pastor or others in a church declare themselves absolutely certain of heaven, God’s existence, truth—that I would get a little riled. Because being absolutely certain about something you cannot prove is simply dogma, and dogmatism is the death of ideas. And I like ideas."  MC

I am still a work in progress.  I am still fighting feelings of inadequacy.  I feel like I will never fit in like I thought I once did.  Sometimes I am scared of losing everyone in my life.  That's right.  Sometimes my confidence is at an all time zero.  I wish I could fix that... like I said... a work in progress.  Is it up to me to believe I'm okay and that will be enough.  Can I let go of the expectations of others and more importantly, my perceptions of others.  I'm not exposed to the people Matt Casper was during his church tours.  No one in a long time has told me I'm going to hell.  Maybe my people don't care.  Maybe who I am is enough for them.  

When I first told Casper about the book, he was immediately onboard but with one condition: “I can do this, but I need you to be as open-minded with me as you need me to be with you, Jim.”

“What do you mean?” I asked Casper.

“I’m currently an atheist, Jim. I say currently because I am open to the possibility that I may learn something that will change my point of view. Jim, can you say ‘I am currently a Christian’ and be as open-minded as me?”

I nodded. Yes. Let’s write a book. JH

I have a dream... I wish I could write a book with someone.  I wish I could  have a conversation with someone...  like Jim and Casper... or the Campolos or the Raybons.  It's a dream.  Maybe a far-off dream... but a dream none the less.  

I will say thank you to Jim Henderson and Matt Casper...even though I don't know how to contact them to send them this post.  Your journey of relationship amazes me much more than your church adventures do.  The adventures were interesting, but I am amazed and inspired by your friendship.  

People need to hear the stories of everyday Christians helping others.

People need to see us put into action what we say we believe.

People need to be able to tell us what they really think of us and not worry about a fire-and-brimstone retort.

If we do such things, maybe we’d start to see a church more like the one Jesus told us about, a church that even an atheist might be tempted to be a part of. JH

... the moment you think you have all the answers, well, you might as well lock yourself in a cave, because no one you meet will ever have anything interesting to say to you again. MC

Posted by Ruby Neumann... currently an agnostic

It's not just about "SAVING CASPER" with Jim Henderson and Matt Casper

Wow… this is the best book in the trifecta of reads that have invited me into a diverse conversation.  I've read Bart and Tony Campolo's book "Why I Left, Why I Stayed" and Patricia and Alana Raybon's book "Undivided"  and while both were amazing and inviting reads, this book is the most inviting.  There seemed less emphasis on the desire of the "Christian" to change the "Non-Christian".  The emphasis seemed to be more on understanding Matt Casper's story.  I think I really resonated with that.  I am on "the other side" now and maybe that is what makes this such a compelling read.  The other two books were read when there was still some residual "Christianity" left in me.  This time through, I was hoping to find a place where I could come to peace with my life, so I was looking for how Matt was at peace with who he is.  

This is a follow up book to another read, that Jim Henderson and Matt Casper wrote and I read over a decade ago… "Jim and Casper go to Church".  Jim Henderson, a Christian, invited Matt Casper, an atheist, to attend churches across America.  Matt gave his honest opinion about what he as "an outsider" saw in their churches that maybe most of the people that attended took for-granted or simply missed.  Maybe it is time to reread that one and get a fresh look at the journey again.  

I admire his respect and willingness to venture into all those churches  From what I read, Matt really wants to help people understand him more and focus less on the differences and more on the commonality of their humanity.  

I don't know how to begin to share quotes to invite people into this story.  There were so many.  To pick and choose my favourite was not easy, but I found some that really encouraged me…  most of them are from Matt but I found a couple from Jim that were also encouraging.  I will share those and then summarize what I hope is the outcome for me for reading it.  

Matt Casper:

"For me, it’s not the start of anything. I see it more as the completion of a transaction begun when we were born. Death is the price we pay for living. A fact, plain and simple. That’s how I see it. And it’s not just our own deaths—it’s any death. Being in denial of death or living in fear of death is like going swimming and refusing to think you’ll get wet or being afraid of getting wet. Getting wet is part of going swimming. It’s unavoidable and intrinsic." 

"You know, people who are trying to save others by using the promise of heaven or the threat of hell might want to keep in mind that promises and threats only work if both parties agree on the legitimacy or value of the threats or promises...

The threat of hell hanging over the head of a person who doesn’t believe in it doesn’t really accomplish anything at all . . . other than maybe pushing that person away."

"So this “end of experience” is really only the end of our personal experience. Once we’ve lived, we’re always alive. We leave our mark—the things we did, the words we said, the impressions we made all have a ripple effect while we’re alive that continues after we’re gone. We live on in how what we said and did affected others."

"By that token, it’s easy for me to say that Jesus is very much alive today, as His words and deeds continue to impact others in tremendous ways. It’s easy for me to say that John Lennon is alive too. As is the father whose children live their lives according to how he raised them. As is my mom."

"The problem I have with some atheists is the same problem I have with some Christians: certainty. You can’t unequivocally prove your beliefs, so c’mon, take it easy.”

“But another part of me thinks that being on the attack is a pretty reasonable response when you consider that I’m being damned or dismissed by someone I don’t even know and who has never bothered to get to know me either.”

The thing is, the only reason they think I’m going to burn in hell or that I’m ignorant is because I don’t agree with them. They invalidate my opinion—my very life!—because I don’t share their exact beliefs. It’s like, no matter how I may live my life, no matter how kind or caring I may be, no matter how well I may serve others, because of that one difference, the judgment has been made, the die has been cast, and the fires are waiting for me. I’m sorry, but I just don’t think there’s anything remotely Christian about that—at least based on what I’ve read about how Jesus treated people."

They seem to know that, while the Bible may be two thousand years old and some of its language and cultural references may be a bit outdated, there is a core principle voiced clearly and repeatedly by the founder of their belief system: love others, be charitable, don’t be a hypocrite. No matter what circumstances we may find ourselves in today, that’s a timeless message.

Speaking for my own atheism, it’s not something I celebrate, really. Nor is it something I mourn. It’s just something that is, for me"

Jim Henderson:

"I’ve been astounded to discover how people generally lack curiosity about other people, other beliefs, other perceptions, and other ways of making sense of reality. Christians claim to be following the one true God, who has transformed us and given us an eternal and abundant life. We, of all people, should be the most curious, the least threatened by differences, and the kindest people on the face of this earth."

"My Jesus did not come to earth to prove He was right. He came to prove He was love. He didn’t come just to save the world; He came to serve the world. Saving us was “baked in” to serving us, so of course He did that as well. My Jesus was not afraid of engaging anyone, be they lepers, prostitutes, tax collectors, or Pharisees. My Jesus managed to connect with an incredibly diverse group of humans without losing His own humanity."

Ruby's Reflections:

I am compelled to this kind of story and this kind of journey.  I long to feel like there will be someone who would invite me into a their world just to be a friend without the agenda of conversion.  I get it… I have not only seen the arrogance of Christianity… I lived it.  I used to believe that it was the agenda to change and convert everyone on the planet to "our way".  Maybe if the focus had been on sharing some of that "timeless message" of Jesus, maybe I wouldn't have lost my interest.  Maybe if I was allowed my uncertainty and still allowed my community, then maybe I would still be in a community.  But I am like those lepers in Jesus day that were forced to live outside the city walls, because they were told that what they had was contagious and damaging to those living inside the walls of the city.  

I am pretty open on my blog about my journey, but not as open in my conversations with my friends and family.  Either they don't read my blog and aren't aware of my current journey, or they have read it and for the most part… don't bring it up.  I don't know.  I don't have too many people telling me "I am going to hell."  So for that, Matt Casper has my compassion.  But maybe it is easier to tell a stranger online these things, than it is a friend or family member.  

I do have friends and family members that are constantly "encouraging" me with kind notes and letters… hoping I find my way "back to Jesus" one day.  It seems more subtle for me.  I still don't know if I like it or don't like it.  It is a part of them, so I let it be.  I am like Matt, in that I understand my journey is subject to change on an ongoing basis.  So all I have to testify to is where I am right now.   

I am all about Love, Kindness, Compassion, Hope, Authenticity, Gratitude, Wisdom and Growth as a Human being.  I want to be a better human.  I can't force my brain to conform to what others would like it to conform to.  That ship has sailed.  I read too many books, followed too many journeys, listened to too many stories… I left my bubble to find out what the rest of the world was talking about, and then I found it was impossible to go back.  

I've made mistakes in the last years in my communications with my Christian friends and family.  I need to love them more by respecting their beliefs.  Even though I don't embrace a lot of it anymore, I can still value what it has brought to my life.  I am who I am because of how my parents raised me and the places and people who have made a difference in my life.  I just want to be the best "me" I can be.  

Thank you "Jim and Casper"  for your amazing reads.  Thank you Matt Casper for your authenticity and endurance.  You didn't deserve the mudslinging that you got.  It is embarrassing and downright appalling how people treat other people when all we really need to do is be human.  

I think Jesus had a good handle on humanity.  I still like the stories, they are encouraging and helpful for the journey to becoming a better human.  Whether history or stories, they show us a better way of doing life.  

"I’m probably closer to knowing God than I’ve ever been before. And that’s because people who are close to God have also chosen to be close to me."  Matt Casper

The Journey of the AGNOSTIC: A SPIRITED MANIFESTO by Lesley Hazleton

"YOU ALMOST HAVE to admire the presumptuous absurdity of the word godless. It posits God as a thing to be owned (the expression “my God” comes to mind, or the twittery “OMG”)—a possession that can be sought out and acquired, or cast aside once you’ve grown tired of it or discovered that it doesn’t work as advertised. As with your keys or your wallet, you “find” God or “lose” your faith. Whether you believe or don’t believe, you’re stuck in a vast lost-and-found department, presumably of the soul." LH

 This week I finished another 1000 pc puzzle and started a 500 pc.  I finished a book and started a new job.  It seems like this week has me thinking of beginnings and endings.  But is life really all about the beginnings and the endings, or is it just a journey that includes of a lot of things that were there all the time just waiting to be discovered. 

People's stories fascinate me.  Some people's stories motivate me to discover who I am beneath or behind the person that is out there for people to see.  People who have heard my rants, have heard me say that I don't like labels.  They are rarely accurate and never unique enough to define me.  So maybe instead of a label to affix on my forehead or my identity, maybe "Agnostic" is better affixed to my journey.  That might get people exited who are hoping that this is only a phase, but I do not see myself returning to what I had, what I professed or what I believed.  The only way to go now is forward.  

"Metaphors aren’t just for poets. Or perhaps we’re all poets without knowing it, because metaphors are built into the way we think." LH

Life is too short and too valuable for us to spend it pretending we are someone we are not.  There are too many stories out in circulation trying to convince each and every human being to believe it.  Even stories meant to be stories are begging to be marketed as a news headline.  

"I'm real, I'm true, believe me!"

And we believe them.  What if we can embrace stories as stories and understand the value in them as stories whether they happened or not. 

"Naming God invites the personal pronoun—He, Him, His, all capitalized like the name itself, and all with a kind of male inevitability. Monotheism’s male gendering of divinity has run so deep for so long that you only need to refer to God as “she” for people to be taken aback. Try using “it,” and most will react with visible shock; even militant atheists will respond with a quiver of transgressive thrill." LH

Many of those stories are built around a three letter word that in English we call "God".  Maybe faith and belief wouldn't be such a complicated concept if there was one idea floating around for people to grasp onto.  The problem is, there are thousands and millions of ideas that are begging people to sell themselves to.  The only relief for many is just to follow in the path of their parents.  After all...  "Mom and Dad know best!"  What happens to that person who dares tread beyond the borders of what their parents have set up for them as children?  What happens when they start to hear and see some of those millions of ideas that are floating around?  Do they ignore everything and stay at home?  Some do.  Some don't.  Here in lies the problem.  

"But what exactly is being transgressed? The uncanny otherness of “it” seems to me to accord much greater respect than either “he” or “she,”though even it has its drawbacks. It still assumes an entity—something that can be described, defined, apprehended, encompassed. By even asking whether God “really exists,” all we bring about is an extraordinary diminution of the concept of the divine, so much so that for a growing number of people, the name has become little more than a convention, even an almost embarrassing one, like an outmoded term of endearment. Trying to make the unknowable knowable, we reduce it to what we know best. We make God human." LH

I stopped using the personal pronouns in my own reference to the Creator. It is awkward and so much easier just to reduce the giver of my breath to a specific gender, but it is far less real for me now.  The Shack helped me transition to the idea that "Papa" isn't about gender restrictions, but about rising above them.  But our limited human minds can't imagine Love coming from something or someone that defies gender.  I would like to still imagine Love coming from somewhere.  That is the hopeful part of the agnostic in me.  I am just not willing to put my restrictions on what that will look like.  

Where belief tries to expel doubt, faith walks with it, offering no easy answers. Belief insists, while faith hopes and trusts. The one is demanded, the other freely given, and this freedom means that real faith is both difficult and stubborn. It involves an ongoing struggle, a continual questioning of what we think we know, a wrestling with issues and ideas. It goes hand-in-hand with doubt, in a never-ending conversation with it. And sometimes even in conscious defiance of it. LH

Admitting I am on an agnostic journey, really just means I doubt and some things don't make sense to me anymore.  And yet doubt is the most compatible with faith... or so I've been told.  So faith would come easy if I can just doubt and have faith... right?  Well... maybe not right now.  Right now I have questions, concerns, struggles, wonders, unknowns that I don't feel like I can talk to too many people about.  I wrote a poem about that.  I just grew up in a world that is filled with people who must be uncomfortable with the unknown... so the need is great to latch on to something to define them and their reason for breathing.  What would it look like if we all embraced the unknown?  All we would have to do is be nice to other people and live life to our fullest.  Love wouldn't need a face itself as long as it was something done to and with the faces we had before us.  What kind of world would that be?   

"I refuse to call closure on hope. Not blind, delusional hope, but conscious hope against the odds—the kind of hope that allows me to speak, to act, to not cave in to the stone wall of the impossible. If I have to, I will keep banging my head against that wall rather than sit numbly at its foot in the cowed inertia of despair, because despair is the inability to imagine oneself into the future. It is a failure of the imagination—of the human ability to conceive of a different reality, and to act accordingly. By resisting despair, then, I rationally choose to be irrational. I defy my own disbelief. And that, I believe, can only be called an act of faith." LH

I want to thank Lesley for sharing her story and her discoveries.  These are the stories I want to listen to.  Not that they will convince me in any direction, but that they will affirm the need for me to be honest about my journey.  There is a big world of people who are longing to be understood, known, valued and loved for not only who they are but who they are becoming as they journey.  Somehow this has to be the better way to live.  Maybe if we have been told that we can't live this way, maybe it is those voices we need to question.  That is what I have been doing... just questioning the voices.  

Leslie has numerous Youtube videos and Ted talks for anyone who wants to hear a little more of her.  There is no arrogance in her message and that is so attractive.  

"For myself, I have no intention of only half-living this life in anticipation of a hypothetical next one. I want to live my life as well and as fully as I can—in consciousness, in commitment, in full acknowledgment of its difficulties as well as its occasional rewards, its pains as well as its pleasures, its absurdities as well as its mysteries. The last thing I would ever want is to have no end, to find myself adrift in the horizonless expanse of eternity. I want, that is, to live the mortal life I have." LH

I have already shared my thoughts in previous blogs on my idea of the "horizonless expanse of eternity".  It has been a good thing to find people whose words can paint the picture of what that might look like if we really understood the idea of "forever".  

"It’s often said that the more we know, the more we know we don’t know—the kind of remark that gets people nodding sagaciously only to begin their response with “But . . .” Even as we acknowledge this in principle, we hanker for the security of convincing ourselves that we understand reality, and that everything can be neatly laid out in a self-contained system. Both bad science and bad religion operate on this assumption." LH

I had a thought as I lay in bed this morning.  Any label, be it atheist, agnostic, skeptic, none... seems a relative term.  If I call myself this, I am relating my status to that of those who have walked a religious path of sorts.  So in doing so, I compare myself to other human beings and thus making my identity dependant on their identity.  Why doesn't that make any sense to me?  

What if I just call myself a human on a journey of discovery.  What if my identity is not dependant on another human being, but something that unfolds on the journey as I discover, as Michael W. Smith so beautifully put it, "My Place in this World."

But maybe I need to acknowledge labels too.  We live in a world and are restricted by our language/s to communicate with others.  So labels help others get to know us or understand us without a lengthy explanation.  So there may be a place for labels.  But they are limiting in their capacity to paint the whole picture.  If anything, they are the base coat of the portrait.  The fine details are seen as a relationship develops and the beauty of the nuances show through.   

'The glory of the concept of infinity is that it always has room for more. It is an endless, open invitation to live larger.' LH