"Often conscripted to the shadows in our time of sorrow, surviving siblings rarely feel they have the right to grieve beyond a few weeks. In a society that doesn't always encourage healthy mourning in general, we are indeed the forgotten bereaved." TJW
My older sister Jennifer has kiboshed a lot of plans in my life... so why not this one. I had every intention to not need reading for a year, and then she goes and dies on me.
I found this book recommended on a Sibling Grief online support group I joined after Jennifer's accident. How was I supposed to not take advantage of someone else's story? That is what has been helping me on life's journey up until now.
Each of us will react differently to the news of a brother's or a sister's death, and there's hardly a standard of behavior to which we must all subscribe. TJW
T.J mentioned that she had been looking for a book when her brother died, and couldn't find one. So she decided to write one herself, and invite other survivors of sibling loss to join her in her story. This book is her story, mixed with other stories from people who have lost adult siblings.
Feelings are not a choice; they are simply your own response to an event. TJW
Reading this book helped me to feel validated. Hanging out with the stories of others who have lost siblings, gave me a community that was lacking for me. I have had amazing support, but not the kind that I get in these stories and in the sibling support groups.
In dealing with the reactions of others, try, as much as you're able, to let people know what's helpful and what isn't. Avoid wasting your energy by becoming angry and bitter because you've been let down by people who claim to care. Just realize there are some people who will step up to the plate for you, and there are others who can't even enter the ballpark. TJW
This book was not only helpful as a guide with the loss of my sister, but there were so much great advice and wisdom for all areas of loss. It would be a bummer if the only people who read this book are the survivors of sibling loss...because there is gold for every kind of loss within the pages.
You are entitled to feel anger at the injustice of your brother's or sister's death, and feelings of anger connected to your sibling's death will probably surface every now and then for the rest of your life. My hope, however, is that you express your anger in healthy and appropriate ways that both validate your feelings and maintain your dignity. TJW
Anger has been my companion on this journey from the night I heard about her death.
Most of us would like to believe that our siblings appear in our dreams by choice, to spend time with us or to deliver a special message. There is absolutely no reason to discount this possibility. No one, including the so-called experts, knows for certain just what, if anything, happens to us after we die. TJW
I liked the chapter on dreams, but not because of my sister. The dreams have not come with her yet. But I had significant dreams after my nephew died and it was refreshing to read her perspective on grief dreams and feel like those dreams were mine to embrace however I chose to embrace them.
Many reasons for undeserved suffering have been put forth, such as the notion of suffering as a divine method of instruction—to teach us or others some valuable lesson—or the idea that our suffering is our just desserts, a punishment for some undefined human failing. But the bottom line is that none of these supposed reasons can be reconciled with the concept of an all-loving God. A God who loves us would not—could not—intentionally cause our suffering, for whatever divine reason. TJW
I think my favourite chapter was Chapter 9 on Faith, Religion and Spirituality. It validated the biggest loss of my life and gave me space to understand a lot better my grief journey with my sister. Maybe T.J. Wray still has some spirituality and faith, but she gave me space to navigate my loss without that being the forefront and foundation.
If you've had trouble with religion in the past, either with a particular church's teaching, an individual member of the clergy, or any other issue that caused you to part ways with a particular religion, then your brother's or sister's death may actually reopen old wounds. Quite often, for one reason or another, the religion in which we were raised seems inadequate or unacceptable as we grow into adulthood. TJW
My faith unraveled over years but came to a significant head last year when I "buried Jesus". Losing Jennifer has inadvertently brought Jesus "back to life" in the words of others that can't understand how I can navigate my sister's death without a "living Jesus".
And truth can be found not only in religion, but also in books, in our own experiences, and in stories and advice from others. Perhaps most important, the search for truth is essentially a search for meaning. Finding meaning in our loss enables us to incorporate it into our lives and to heal. TJW
I do want to extend my gratitude to T.J. Wray for sharing her story and so many others. These words have been an oasis and comfort in a very messed up time. I would recommend this book to anyone who has lost a sibling.. and even if you haven't but want to understand this kind of loss. It's a great read. And as I mentioned before... there are so much great wisdom in dealing with loss in general, that maybe it really doesn't matter what kind of loss you have experienced. This book can help shed light on some very dark corners of grief.
I've already mentioned that I'm not the same person I was before I lost my brother. I'm a little wiser, a little more compassionate, a little bit tougher. But I'm glad for these changes because they remind me of the journey that brought me to this place—this place of acceptance and, finally, peace. TJW