The Scottish Pet Bereavement Counselling Service.
"I'd like to think that we live longer so that we can love and care for more of them in our lifetime." WA
It is not hyperbole when I say that this is the best book ever on grief, because it is the best book. (and I had to "go" to Scotland to find it!) At least it is the best book I've read, and I have read quite a few. This book is a quick read, if you are just reading, but if you need to process your grief, it may take a little while longer.
I would like to share why pet bereavement is a "close to my heart" topic, but first I want to talk about a term that Wendy introduced me to in her book - "Disenfranchised Grief"
"Disenfranchised Grief" according to Wendy's description is "grief that is not acknowledged or accepted in society."
For all "pet parents", we understand that losing a dog or a cat or a horse or a turtle or a bunny... (the list goes on) is real loss and needs to be treated as real loss. Wendy knows this and her book and her services really reach out to people who know pain from pet loss.
"Acknowledge how your friend is feeling, but don't pretend to know exactly how they are feeling. You can't possibly know. Everyone has a different experience of grief. And that's okay." WA
Sometimes people in our "world" don't always view pet illness or loss as serious as human loss. I am not one to compare losses of any kind, but we can't just dismiss pet loss as an "easy get over" kind of thing. Just because the object of affection has four legs instead of two, doesn't necessarily make the loss easier or less significant to the one who's lost.
"Maybe people view pet bereavement as an overreaction, but it's important to remember that each individual is entitled to feel whatever they are feeling. Whether other people understand it or not; and nobody has the right to invalidate those feelings. Grief has no time limits." WA
I have had a lot of animal friends die, but the grief was short lived. I was not given permission by anyone to extend my sadness longer than a day or two. Not until Tigger died, did I understand loss and a loss that went on for a lot longer than a day or two.
Tigger was my husband's cat when we got married. It took a while for my heart to fall for our four legged roommate, but I did, and it was my first experience at becoming a "parent" instead of an owner. (and for any cat parents, we all know who does the owning in relationship!)
It was four years into our marriage when Tigger got sick. It was his heart. We had him into the vet, before, for an ultrasound and bad heart was diagnosed. It was a hard decision to "put him down", but as pet parents we had that option. I want to say, that had it been our human child, it would have been a very different experience, but not necessarily easier. I would maybe imagine this to the pain to disconnecting your child from life support. That is never an easy or painless decision to make, pet euthanasia is never an easy or painless decision to make.
I was in the room with Tigger when the vet administered the shots. I had never been with anyone in their moment of death, so this was life altering for me. I felt honored to hold Tigger in his last moments, but I believe it changed me. I was trying to be strong for my husband, so I didn't unleash a lot of emotion that day. The emotional unleashing came a week later when I went to the vet hospital to pick up Tigger's ashes. The staff at the clinic went above and beyond to treat our loss with the utmost of dignity. But to this day, we got one sympathy card for Tigger's passing... and it was from the hospital.
"I do want you to be aware that other people may view this stage as a gross over reaction when it comes to pet bereavement. My message to you is, just ignore them, this is not their journey and they have no idea how you are feeling in this moment. Grief is a very personal thing, and everyone has a vastly different experience." WA
Wendy's book takes the reader through stages, and I am challenged by this line of thinking, as I don't see grief as a stage transition, but a journey. But there is a lot to be learned in each of the chapters on the "stages of grief". Even in our journey of grief, what happens in us changes as the time passes and that is part of it. That transition may not be as distinctive as a "stage change", but it is there. This journey gets a little less painful as the time passes, and then one day I looked around two more cats moved in and I became a parent again.
Sofie and Twinkel are not replacements for Tigger, but complements to the love of Tigger. They are an addition of love in a place where Tigger started the love. We never set out to find a replacement, they just invited themselves into our hearts and we gave them a home. I think that can be how the journey of grief finds a healing. It did for us.
"One of the surest ways to discover if you have reached the stage of acceptance is when you feel like you might want to open your heart and home to another companion animal. Your past pets will never be replaced by new pets, but your heart may be open to that love again some day. " WA