Where Love meets Alzheimer's in "FEEDING MY MOTHER" by Jann Arden

 

Another year, another page.

a million moments melt away.

The ticking-tocking hands of time,

what’s found and lost, remains sublime.

The details that we hold so fast,

are nothing more than memories past.

For love is all that lingers true,

the bond that ties my heart to you.

—JANN ARDEN, DECEMBER 29, 2013

These days, I am doing more puzzling and less reading and writing.  There is one big reason for that.  The jigsaw puzzles that I have been doing are beautiful and lack a conflicting presence in my life.  Most of the books I've been reading in the last few years have been great for me, but are turning the rest of my world upside down.  I can share the pictures of my jigsaw puzzles with my family but sharing my literary discoveries.. well... that is a different story.  

"Gratitude is a way to belong to the universe, a way to attach yourself to everything that ever existed. When grace and thanks and mercy fill your days, you can survive all hardship. You can conquer any wrongs, and you can help others to do the same. Gratitude is my cape, my superhero “must-have” to get me through life. Gratitude helps me to understand my parents and my shortcomings and my failures and my triumphs.

It has changed who I am and how I react to things. Without this magical energy in my life, I feel lost. There have been times when I didn’t understand how much I took things for granted, and my whole being felt the effects of that negativity. I do not want to walk into the sunset anymore, I want to run into the sunrise. " JA

Jann Arden's book is a story I can talk about with my family.  My husband remembers running sound for Jann back in Calgary before "Insensitive" hit the airwaves.  But it wasn't her music that drew me to her story... it was her journey with her parents and their Dementia that had me downloading this book after I thought I had given up on reading.  

Mom started laughing when I asked her why she was saving all this crap. She said, “I just need it and I don’t know why. So there. You can burn it all when I die.” JA

I think what I loved most about the book were two things.  Jann's conversations with her mom and her wisdom that came out of those interactions.  From the looks of this last quote... it seems like we have very similar mothers.  

 Lift others up when you can, even if you don’t agree with what they have to say. Don’t always turn your words into weapons when you can just as easily make them doves.  JA

Jann's book is a perfect mix of wit and wisdom.  Those reads are hard to find.  I think I want to spend less time talking about what I got out of the book... and just share those wise words from Jann herself.  Because there were so many.  

It’s okay to feel sadness. I don’t mind it lingering there like smoke. It serves as a reminder that I am able to feel things and be present in my own life, a participant rather than an observer. Life isn’t a beer commercial. You can’t run down a sunlit beach every day. If you ask me, that would become tedious. Obstacles and challenges simply make you stronger and smarter and more authentic.

And my sadness is not depression. I’m not depressed, I’m sad. Two very different things. I know why I’m sad. It isn’t a mystery. I don’t want or need a pill or a drink or a salve or some sort of magic tonic to make it go away. I am quite happy to feel sad. JA

A woman after my own heart.  

What I’ve come to understand, through a great deal of my own anguish and heartache and sadness, is that memories DO NOT define our souls. Our souls—my mother’s soul, and all the souls who are bombarded with memory loss—are intact.

I’ve been trying, but I can’t begin to tell you what I have learned about myself and my mom during this unfortunate but, in its way, glorious journey. I knew my mom was strong and resilient but I had no idea how strong, how resilient. She said to me once, after one of my rants where I tried to be the memory police a few years ago, that a person didn’t have to remember everything in order to be happy. That, as you can imagine, kind of blew my mind for the following several weeks.

“You don’t have to remember everything to be happy.”  JA

I think the greatest lesson I learned from Jann's story is about the memory police.  Why do we have to be the memory police?    Do I really have to correct another person just because I think they have their facts wrong?  Alzheimer's intensifies fantasies, but fantasies are a part of every day life for most people.  And one person's fantasy is another person's reality.  So why do I need to infringe my reality into what I perceive as another person's fantasy, which they only see as their reality.  This has been a great lesson for me and one I hope I can implement in my own life more.  Thanks Jann!

We shouldn’t judge a human life by how it ends, and we so often do. How we die has nothing to do with how we lived. I think I’ve been confusing these two things. I’ve been making her whole life about these past few years and that’s not where the truth lies. JA

Oh boy... it just kept getting better and better.  

I believe with all my heart that love permeates Alzheimer’s. It gets through even though you think it’s not getting through. It’s like a shard of light that even a blind person can see. Love will surprise you at every turn. JA

My Oma forgot my name in the last couple years of her life, but she never forgot that she loved me.  Alzheimer's and Dementia take the brain, but they have no access to the love.  I have seen love and fear manifested in patients with Dementia... I wonder if it a choice.  If we can pour love into our lives and into the lives of others... that has to be the best way to navigate the Alzheimer's journey.  The memories will be lost... but we can do everything to see that the Love remains.  Because... Love drives out Fear!

Thank you Jann for sharing your story and being vulnerable in the process.  If this is the last book I ever read, it will be a crowning jewel in my library.  

And because I am posting this on the first Sunday of Advent... Jann's greeting seems an appropriate send off...

MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY HANUKKAH!

Whatever your beliefs be, I hope goodness is at the heart of them all. JA

My Unfinished Reads still matter

These days, I haven't spent much time reading.  Most of my hours are spent assembling jigsaw puzzles.  It is my new time consumer.  I started a new book today, hoping that this one will find completion and a place in my rocket reads.  I have amassed quite a few reads that haven't made it to completion. I can think of a few reasons I didn't cross the finish line with them.  

1. I lost interest with the content

2. I got the message in the first few chapters and the remaining content seemed to be redundant.

3. I felt guilty for investing time in the content. 

4. The read wasn't what I had anticipated. 

5. I found that the material was already covered in previous books.  

6. I started reading another book more captivating.

7. My short attention span wins out.  

8. My eyes got tired. 

9. My brain got tired. 

10. The finish line was just too far away. 

So many possibilities.  This morning I thought of going into my unfinished reads and pulling out some quotes to share.  Just because I didn't finish the book, doesn't mean some wisdom wasn't gleaned.  I must have found something worth sharing before I abandoned the book.    

Let's see what I can find... 

"The Knowledge Seeker" Blair Stonechild

"In the Indigenous world view, all Creation is sacred and spiritually alive. As one Elder described it, once a person set foot outside his lodge, the entire world was his church. Land is a living entity that must be treated with respect. Spirituality is to be practised daily rather than merely written about or practised in a rigid institutional setting. 

Underlying all Aboriginal belief is a view of a world gifted by Manitow. Our purpose on earth is to develop an understanding of how to live in harmony with all of Creation."

"The Knowledge Seeker" is a book that originally enticed me because I wanted to learn more about the First Nations in Canada from a first person perspective.  I still do.  The whole perspective that the Earth is a sanctuary is attractive and inspiring to me.  I treasure the respect the Indigenous people have for all of nature.  

"The Anabaptist Story"  William R. Estep

"It was a foregone conclusion that if the Swiss Reformation were to continue within the context of a state church, Manz must go. The mandate demanding the death penalty for rebaptizing had been issued the previous March, but it had not as yet been enforced. The time had come for the crucial test, and the first victim was to be Felix Manz."

I was first drawn to learn more about the Anabaptists, because they are my ancestors and my heritage, and I am technically an Anabaptist.  I was baptized as a baby in a Lutheran church and then baptized as an adult in my thirties in a Pentecostal church.  Five hundred years earlier what I did could have cost me my life.  But instead, my Lutheran parents came and witnessed my baptism.   

Now... being agnostic, my baptisms are strictly cultural for me, but still hold a value because of what others went through a half a millennium ago.  I am the child of two religious cultures.  If I go back far enough... I can imagine one set of ancestors lighting the fires under the pyre of other set of ancestors.  We, as a human species, have come a long way, but we still have a long way to go. 

"A New Earth" Eckart Tolle

"How do you let go of attachment to things? Don’t even try. It’s impossible. Attachment to things drops away by itself when you no longer seek to find yourself in them. In the meantime, just be aware of your attachment to things. Sometimes you may not know that you are attached to something, which is to say, identified, until you lose it or there is the threat of loss. If you then become upset, anxious, and so on, it means you are attached. If you are aware that you are identified with a thing, the identification is no longer total. “I am the awareness that is aware that there is attachment.” That’s the beginning of the transformation of consciousness."

Maybe this book was one that gave me enough just in the first few chapters.  I did listen to some of Eckart Tolle's stuff on Youtube.  I just didn't finish the book.  But his understanding of self helped me in my journey.  

"Grounded" Diana Butler Bass

" “What did you do to try to shift their awareness from a vertical faith to a more horizontal one?” I queried the Kentucky pastor.

“We planted a garden,” he replied. “We grow food. Lots of food. For the local food bank. We’ve studied the soil and learned about global warming. We’re finding God in the garden. It isn’t quite as vertical as it used to be. Heaven is getting downright earthy.”

And that, of course, is another vision of heaven: a garden. Where dirt, water, and air all come together to feed us, to heal the earth, to produce the atmosphere we need to survive. Paradise, really. Here and now. "

What got me started with this book was the whole idea that the Earth is where our spiritual attention can rest... not some faraway cosmic galaxy religion has penned as "Heaven".  There is a connectedness we can have with the elements here...  sky, dirt, water... that connects us with Creator and the Universe.  We are home... right here, right now.

  

"The Superstition of all Ages" Jean Meslier

"Religion is handed down from fathers to children as the property of a family with the burdens. Very few people in the world would have a God if care had not been taken to give them one. Each one receives from his parents and his instructors the God which they themselves have received from theirs; only, according to his own temperament, each one arranges, modifies, and paints Him agreeably to his taste."

I discovered Jean Meslier when I was a part of the "Atheism for Lent" course with Peter Rollins.  I still like Meslier's rants.  He had the spirit of Christopher Hitchens long before Hitchens existed... but his rants were all done in the privacy of his closet.  He was a Catholic priest.  At first, his approach seemed like hypocrisy, but thinking about it for a while, I see it was survival.  He longed to be true to himself, but most likely his culture didn't allow him that authenticity.  This was 1664-1729.  Maybe I drifted away from the read because there was a lot of redundancy in his rants, and I felt I had enough. 

"Let's All Make the Day Count" Charlie Daniels

When you see a flight of geese overhead, if they are traveling for any extended distance, they will be flying in a V-formation. You’ll also notice a single goose in the lead and the others spread out in the V following the leader.

This is done for aerodynamics, similar to the way NASCAR racers draft off the car in front of them. The geese do much the same thing flying beak to tail, taking some of the air resistance off each other.

When the lead goose gets tired, he drops back. A fresh goose takes his place, and the flight goes on.

If one of the geese in the flight gets sick or, for whatever reason, has to go down to the ground, two other geese drop out of the formation. They go to the ground with the sick bird and stay until it gets better or dies. Pending the outcome, they return to the air and try to catch up with their flight.

If they are too far behind to catch up, they’ll join the formation of another flight and continue on.

Geese mate for life. Sensible bunch.

At this stage of my life, daily devotionals are not that much of a priority.  This seemed to be an exception at the time.  Charlie Daniels had some "rubber meets the road" wisdom in this book, and I found his perspective illuminating.  

* * * 

I guess I can't really officially recommend any of these books, as I didn't finish them.  But I learned something about me the day I created a file in my Ibooks that was marked "Reads I started but...". 

I found out that I could extend grace to myself.  

Maybe not all things need finishing in life.  Maybe it is okay in some things to just let go when all I am doing is pushing through because of obligation to a completion, instead of enjoying the journey.  Reading is like that.  Some books I finish and my blog is testament to my ability to finish.  I am the biggest proponent of doing more things out of passion and less out of obligation.  Reading is a passion and I don't want obligation to complete a book to be the only reason I am reading.  

Now... back to puzzling.  

It's finally over ..."THE LAST BATTLE" by C.S. Lewis

"What else could we do? We don't want any other King. We're your people. If it were only the Ape and the Calormenes who were against you, we would have fought till we were cut into pieces before we'd have let them tie you up. We would, we would indeed. But we can't go against Aslan."

"Do you think it really is Aslan?" asked the King.

Okay... it is mid August and I finished this book at the end of July.  Better late than never.  I think my blog posts of the Chronicles of Narnia would be incomplete without the last book, even if I didn't find it quite the rocket read that some of the others were.  

Tirian had never dreamed that one of the results of an Ape's setting up a false Aslan would be to stop people from believing in the real one.

So this book introduced a belief in an Aslan that wasn't a real Aslan.  Interesting.  And then when the fake Aslan was uncovered, the belief was still supported.  Wow... That part of the story is helpful to my journey now.  I may have disconnected from the 2000 year old story, but to be the one to broadcast it to those who believe it... not such a beneficial thing to do.  Yes, the story has a real Aslan... and in the minds, hearts and beliefs of so many... there is a real Jesus living (and breathing?) today.  Maybe all I can do is wait like everyone else.  

The sweet air grew suddenly sweeter. A brightness flashed behind them. All turned. Tirian turned last because he was afraid. There stood his heart's desire, huge and real, the golden Lion, Aslan himself, and already the others were kneeling in a circle round his forepaws and burying their hands and faces in his mane as he stooped his great head to touch them with his tongue. Then he fixed his eyes upon Tirian, and Tirian came near, trembling, and flung himself at the Lion's feet, and the Lion kissed him and said, "Well done, last of the Kings of Narnia who stood firm at the darkest hour." CSL

This is the warm part of the story... Aslan finally shows up.  He is delinquent for most of the story and it makes one wonder if he is an adequate picture of Jesus.  We are 2000 years past the promise (according to the gospel of Matthew)... and people are still waiting for Jesus to show up.  

"Aslan," said Lucy through her tears, "could you—will you—do something for these poor Dwarfs?"

"Dearest," said Aslan, "I will show you both what I can, and what I cannot... CSL

This is why Thomas Jay Oord's book really moved me into a different trajectory.  There were some things that Aslan couldn't do.  Thank you C.S. Lewis... for making Aslan... lion. 

"So," said Peter, "Night falls on Narnia. What, Lucy! You're not crying? With Aslan ahead, and all of us here?"

"Don't try to stop me, Peter," said Lucy, "I am sure Aslan would not. I am sure it is not wrong to mourn for Narnia. Think of all that lies dead and frozen behind that door."

"Yes and I did hope," said Jill, "that it might go on for ever. I knew our world couldn't. I did think Narnia might."

"I saw it begin," said the Lord Digory. "I did not think I would live to see it die."

"Sirs," said Tirian. "The ladies do well to weep. See I do so myself. I have seen my mother's death. What world but Narnia have I ever known? It were no virtue, but great discourtesy, if we did not mourn." CSL

C.S. Lewis gives, not only his characters, but his readers a chance to mourn the ending of Narnia.  I guess I was surprised.  Lewis doesn't leave room for continued imagination and that is what most readers of fiction like.  Even through the author doesn't write the continued storyline, readers still want to imagine the characters going beyond.  

"This is absolutely crazy," said Eustace to Edmund.

"I know. And yet——" said Edmund.

"Isn't it wonderful?" said Lucy. "Have you noticed one can't feel afraid, even if one wants to? Try it."  CSL

I highlighted this because the idea of not feeling afraid even when I wanted to... well... I don't know if I ever want to feel afraid.  It seems just a response, not really a desire.  But having the courage when fear is more expected, now that is what this might be trying to convey.  

This wasn't my favourite book of the series.  I don't know what is my favourite.  But I can tell you the characters that I most admired - Aslan (when he did show up) Eustace and Bree. A elusive, cuddly when he wanted to be, lion; a pesky cousin and a beautiful talking horse that had more character than the human that rode him.  

Will I recommend the books?  Definitely not to children.  I think I said before, the whole royalty motif isn't my favourite.  But I am glad I read them, because now I can say I did.  

And for us this is the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. CSL

Revisiting the conversation with Bart and Tony in "WHY I LEFT, WHY I STAYED"

 

"To me, however, Jesus is almost entirely inaccessible. I’ve never seen his photograph, listened to a recording of his voice, or read a single sentence that can be surely ascribed to him, let alone met him in person or known someone else who did. Like the rest of the world, all I have to go on are four brief, highly redacted, obviously biased accounts of his life and times, which even in their original form were written some decades after his death, and aren’t entirely consistent with one another. I know plenty of folks who claim those accounts clearly reveal his personality, but as far as I’m concerned, the biblical record of Jesus is far too sketchy for anyone to claim they really know Jesus’s character.

Among the many important things I don’t know about Jesus: whether he was a good carpenter; how he felt about Joseph not being his real father; his sexual orientation; his perspectives on slavery, abortion, and just war; his favorite kind of anything; his sense of humor; his best friend; why he raised Lazarus from the dead but nobody else; what he thought about between the crucifixion and the resurrection; and why he didn’t make sure at least one of his disciples took better notes. I mean, seriously, I know way more about Abraham Lincoln—or Michael Jackson for that matter—than I do about Jesus." Bart

Reading books again is a great way to catch what I missed the first read through, and also to find new wisdom that helps me on an ever growing journey.  

The first time I read this book, I had Jesus, my iPhone and a way to track great quotes and was probably reading in my house on the highway in my small town.  This time, I was out camping in the bush by a beautiful lake, with my hard copy of the book.  I had no electronics, no highlighter, and no Jesus. -- nothing but nature, me, my hubby and the book. It was an entirely different experience.  I read through the book in three days.  

(The link to my first blog post of "Why I Left, Why I Stayed" ) 

It was winter of 2020 when I first picked up the book.  I had been out of Christianity as a system for over a decade already, but Jesus as a real living entity was still somewhat there.  This year, on Good Friday of 2022, I had a funeral for Jesus... and I didn't resurrect him.  ( This is the poem I wrote on Good Friday to honour the occasion... entitled "Love Never Breathed" ) 

"Not surprisingly, I very much like my father’s Jesus, not only for his great compassion but also for his longtime commitment to social justice, environmental responsibility, and women’s rights, not to mention his more recent embrace of marriage equality. I’m just kidding about that last part, of course, because everyone knows it isn’t Jesus who finally changed his mind about our LGBTQ friends, but rather my father who changed his mind about Jesus.

I did the same thing as a Christian. Over and over again, I adjusted my vision of Jesus to reflect my latest values and understanding of the world. The good news was that the Lord I ended up with was quite literally the most perfectly wonderful person I could imagine. The bad news was that, once I realized my Jesus was merely a projection of my own ideals, he lost all authority in my life." Bart

I think what stuck out for me this time was the whole focus on changing theology.  Even Tony admits that he changed his theology.  So what exactly is the expectation for anyone introduced to Christianity.  There doesn't seem to be consistency.  That is a huge problem for me.  But also it is the open door for me to say that the way out of the chaos of divisiveness is to find a way to be okay with everyone being on their own journey.  No conversion necessary, no assimilation required and no shame to manage.  Just free people up to find their own way to understand their existence.  

"If I’m right, then it makes sense that so many norms, mores, and values are similar across cultures, because there are some laws of nature that apply equally around the world. Antisocial behaviors like lying, murder, and incest don’t work for anyone under any circumstances over the long run, so they are universally proscribed.

Of course, if group flourishing is truly the ultimate standard of goodness, then it also makes sense that rules about food, water, sexuality, child-rearing, and other aspects of community life would vary widely from group to group, depending on the conditions under which they develop. Even so, all such rules are ultimately rooted in mutual care and responsibility in the context of cooperative groups. Simply stated, human morality is and always has been fundamentally about human relationships." Bart

Morality is built into each human being.  I didn't understand that until I got to know people who didn't ascribe to divine inspiration or sacred laws.  It is really a self-preservation necessity.  We need people to survive, and being nice and kind and loving is the smartest way to facilitate that.  But religions have put rules around basic humanity.  That makes no sense to me now.  I'm not loving someone if I do it because I have been commanded to do it, or even asked to do it.  Love needs to flow from within me to be authentic.  

All that being said... how do I explain the immoral.  Immorality happens when people get messed up.   It is a vicious cycle.  Fear messes up people.  Fear gets transferred like urine in a swimming pool or oil in the ocean. One little spill can wreck the water and the experience for others.   What comes out of Fear... Anger, Ignorance, Hatred, Bitterness and eventually... Immorality.

"I understand the gut-level attraction of the idea that almighty God defines good and evil, but it’s awfully hard for me to swallow. I mean, are things like rape and murder evil simply because God forbids them, or are they objectively wrong? Regardless, isn’t morality really about thinking through the potential impact of my actions, weighing the various options against a complex matrix of competing values, and humbly making the best decision possible? For me to blindly follow a divine commandment seems like a way to shirk the hard work of deliberation and evade responsibility for the intentions and consequences of my actions. Simple obedience might keep people of faith from doing bad things, but I’m not sure how it helps them become morally good themselves." Bart

Maybe you're noticing that this time the quotes are from Bart.  That is on purpose.  It was Bart's thoughts I was tapping into the most on this read through.  I was out in nature and found myself being freed up to just be and discover me in the woods and the water.  I had let Jesus go, and I needed to find a bit of support for that.  Maybe it's my need for ammunition in my conversations with my people, or maybe it is just confirmation.  I have admitted that I am insecure.  I was amazed that even with Bart's well through through responses and story, that his dad didn't see what really made sense.  There always seemed to be a defensive comeback.  It makes me wonder if it is even possible for committed Christians to have empathy for Post-Christians.  I didn't when I called myself a Christian, but I am looking for those who might be different. 

"I think we need to stop seeing death as the negation of life, and see it instead as the necessary catalyst for every good thing we enjoy." Bart

Reading in nature gave me a great appreciation for the world I live in.  When I came across passages like this, I found myself looking out at the lake or in the trees or at the jaybirds that frequented our campsite.  "Life is precious" Bart says in the documentary he did with his dad "Leaving my Father's Faith" 

"Indeed, it may well be that the greatest mistake in this world is to live as if you have endless time when in fact you don’t." Bart

Spending three days in nature has given me more confidence in my understanding and my world view.  I am feeling less burdened by the need to please my people.  I feel like I matter and my journey matters.  I am grateful that Bart's words of encouragement came to me in that beautiful place of peace and connectivity with the planet.  Thank you again, Bart for an amazing book, the amazing conversations you had with your dad, and the voice you continue to have.  

"Look, everybody knows there are bunches of angry atheists running around out there, openly mocking the church and loudly proclaiming that organized religion poisons everything, but I will never be one of them. First of all, I have far too much love and gratitude for the many believers who have positively shaped my life to ever want to communicate disrespect for their communities and traditions. Second, and more importantly, I feel no disrespect." Bart 

Narnia is born in "THE MAGICIAN'S NEPHEW" by C.S.Lewis

The Lion was pacing to and fro about that empty land and singing his new song. It was softer and more lilting than the song by which he had called up the stars and the sun; a gentle, rippling music. And as he walked and sang the valley grew green with grass. It spread out from the Lion like a pool. It ran up the sides of the little hills like a wave. In a few minutes it was creeping up the lower slopes of the distant mountains, making that young world every moment softer. The light wind could now be heard ruffling the grass. Soon there were other things besides grass. The higher slopes grew dark with heather. Patches of rougher and more bristling green appeared in the valley. CSL

"The Magician's Nephew"  or as otherwise understood... The beginning of Narnia.  It's Narnia's creation story.  It took a lot longer to get to Narnia in this book, but once we got the kids there... they witnessed the wonder of the creation of Narnia. 

All this time the Lion's song, and his stately prowl, to and fro, backwards and forwards, was going on. What was rather alarming was that at each turn he came a little nearer. Polly was finding the song more and more interesting because she thought she was beginning to see the connection between the music and the things that were happening. CSL

It didn't take long for me to be captivated by the beauty of Narnia's creation story.  It's the best beginning of a world  I've read... ever!   Maybe it is the evolution of literature that makes the magic come alive more.  But bringing life into existence with music... it simply doesn't get better than that.  And this agnostic can say that without feeling like she is being at all condescending to other creation stories. 

When a line of dark firs sprang up on a ridge about a hundred yards away she felt that they were connected with a series of deep, prolonged notes which the Lion had sung a second before. And when he burst into a rapid series of lighter notes she was not surprised to see primroses suddenly appearing in every direction. Thus, with an unspeakable thrill, she felt quite certain that all the things were coming (as she said) "out of the Lion's head." When you listened to his song you heard the things he was making up: when you looked round you, you saw them. This was so exciting that she had no time to be afraid. CSL

I am still drawn to get to the end of the collection.  I haven't been really disappointed by the Chronicles of Narnia yet.  Like I said, this one took a little while for the children to get to Narnia, so when they got there, and got their marching orders from Aslan... it required a flying horse for them to get what they needed.  The story needed a speedy conclusion.  So now I'm dreaming of Fledge... 

And then, just as the beasts had burst out of the earth, there burst out from the shoulders of Fledge wings that spread and grew, larger than eagles', larger than swans', larger than angels' wings in church windows. The feathers shone chestnut colour and copper colour. He gave a great sweep with them and leaped into the air. CSL

This makes me want to dream, not about horse back riding, but horse back flying.  I wish I could stay in the beauty of the created Narnia and quickly evolving creatures and landscape... but as has been in every book so far, there is always some darkness.  

"But do not be cast down," said Aslan, still speaking to the Beasts. "Evil will come of that evil, but it is still a long way off, and I will see to it that the worst falls upon myself. In the meantime, let us take such order that for many hundred years yet this shall be a merry land in a merry world. And as Adam's race has done the harm, Adam's race shall help to heal it. CSL

It was in this book that I got the revelation that Aslan is not Jesus... Aslan is Creator.  So I'm not stuck trying to fit Christian theology into this narrative.  This narrative can float and navigate well without the rudder of Christianity.  Maybe that is what is so captivating as I get to the end of the series.  Aslan holds space for me in a separate world than that of Christianity's narrative.  I still get to separate the whole masculine portrayal, but for the most part, it doesn't really do damage to the story.  Aslan's masculinity isn't driving his identity.  At least, not as I see the story and I am thankful for that.  

What I give you now will bring joy. It will not, in your world, give endless life, but it will heal.  CSL

I have one more book to read... "The Last Battle".  This series started with a war and looks like it gets to end with a war.  I guess that is just the portrait of life.  Maybe because these books were written in the fifties and the whole of Europe was recovering from WW2.  So I get to mix fantasy with reality.  I guess I can't ask for much more.  The books are written, not as an escape from life, but picture of life.  Maybe that's okay.  

Both the children were looking up into the Lion's face as he spoke these words. And all at once (they never knew exactly how it happened) the face seemed to be a sea of tossing gold in which they were floating, and such a sweetness and power rolled about them and over them and entered into them that they felt they had never really been happy or wise or good, or even alive and awake, before. And the memory of that moment stayed with them always, so that as long as they both lived, if ever they were sad or afraid or angry, the thought of all that golden goodness, and the feeling that it was still there, quite close, just round some corner or just behind some door, would come back and make them sure, deep down inside, that all was well.  CSL

Grieving through "RIVER OF TIME" by Naomi Judd

(Before you read any further... Please watch this video link. )

  Ashley and Wynonna at Naomi's Memorial Service

"My point of view was that there could always be healing, even if there isn’t always a cure. " NJ

How do I read this book now?  That was my first question.  Naomi Judd had just died at the end of April and I picked up her book at the beginning of May.  "River of Time" is subtitled "My Descent into Depression and How I Emerged with Hope".  This book was published in 2016 and in spring of 2022, she ended her life.  She only emerged with hope for six more years?    

"I felt such a deep shame about not being able to shake off this increasingly dark and immobilizing depression. The only thing sparing me from suicide was the effect it would have on those I loved, and all of the people who thought of me as a hope seller, but the odds were beginning to weigh against them." NJ

This book is dark, and yet this book is full of light.  I guess it all depends on how you quantify dark and light.  I see them in the same space, just different times of the day.  

I value stories like Naomi's.  I value real, raw and ridiculously vulnerable journeys.  What courage it takes for someone with a high profile to put herself  out there.  Maybe the hope was found more in the presence at the bottom than in the climbing out. It takes hope to climb out.  

Naomi includes a quote from her daughter Ashley who also struggled with depression... I like what Ashley said.  

“I’m very happy to talk about it because, for me, when I talk about it, it helps me to reduce my own shame. I’ve been so blessed with finding a solution that how dare I not share that solution with others that face challenges? There’s still a lot of stigma and taboo around something that’s perceived as a mental illness.” AJ

This reminds me of something Brene Brown said about shame... I can't find the quote... but it was something about the need to tell your story is what gets rid of the shame attached to it.   Secrets are fertilizer for shame... telling your story is the herbicide for shame.  ( a little agricultural analogy from me...not Brene)   

"Our pets can sense the energy depletion when you’re struggling with physical or emotional issues and they try with their natural empathy to help us heal ourselves." NJ

I totally agree, because we have two cats that know when my hubby and I are not at our optimum level of interaction.  Maybe Naomi's dogs saved her life on countless occasions.

I almost always travel with my small dog, Bijou. My psychiatrist gave me a document stating that Bijou is necessary for my emotional wellbeing. She wears a little vest to identify her as a service dog. The emotional support and the comfort Bijou brings me is incalculable. My dogs are my best friends and they have carried me through my darkest days. NJ

This was a hard read.  I felt like I was grieving her loss as I read through her words.  I wanted the story to have a happy ending, but I knew the story would end in tears.  So the goal of this read was not to get too depressed myself.  

Radical acceptance is to know that painful things are still going to happen, but how we respond makes a difference. We don’t have to condone our current reality, but we have to accept it for what it is instead of staying stuck, wishing it were different. Pain will happen, but suffering is optional. NJ

Some good wisdom comes out of Naomi as she recollects her journey through the darkness.  Maybe the wisdom is after she gets out of the hole.  I don't feel very wise when I am in the pits, but when I get up a little more and can find a better view, I find wisdom waiting for me.  

Life is short, but it’s wide.

There is no fairy-tale ending to this book, but you and I know there isn’t one in real life, either. NJ

This is the second author I have grieved while I read.  Rachel Held Evans was the first.  I want to emphasize that Naomi's death by no means invalidates her story.  It is the end of her journey and what tragically happens to people who have mental illness.  There is no judgement to be had.  That is why I wanted you to see her daughters give her the most heart warming tribute at her memorial.  That is why I want to end this post like I began it... with a song.  Naomi is the writer of both songs... my favourite Judd song is what Wynonna had the whole Ryman singing at her Mama's send off. 

One final word:  Thank you Naomi for great music, a great heart and great courage.  You gave me hope.  Love Can Build a Bridge!!!! 

"If I can bring any comfort or hope to you, too, that would give my writing this book the greatest meaning. I may still struggle, but I no longer suffer." NJ

Wynonna sings "Love Can Build a Bridge" 

More than just a Fresh Prince: "WILL" by Will Smith

 "Will" Book Trailer 

"In acting, understanding a character’s fears is a critical part of understanding his or her psyche. The fears create desires and the desires precipitate actions. These repetitive actions and predictable responses are the building blocks of great cinematic characters.

It’s pretty much the same in real life. Something bad happens to us, and we decide we’re never going to let that happen again. But in order to prevent it, we have to be a certain way. We choose the behaviors that we believe will deliver safety, stability, and love. And we repeat them, over and over again. In the movies, we call it a character; in real life, we call it personality."  WS

It's June 16, 2022 and I just finished "Will"... the book that Oprah claimed as the best memoir ever.  That was high praise and it was those words that invited me into reading the autobiography of "The Fresh Prince".  

Why did I read this book?  Why does this story matter?  It's Will Smith... he's a rich, famous American musical TV and Movie star.  What can I get out of his story?  What do I  have in common with Will?    Well... after reading his story... I found out I do have something in common with Will 

1. We were both born in 1968

2. We both walked our fathers through sickness, vulnerability and then to death. 

3. Skydiving and Bungee Jumping... (truth be told, I was younger when I did my jumping than Will was... but his jumps were a little more outrageous and dramatic. (check out the links to see Will's jumps) 

4. We both realize that as crazy and painful that it is.... our story matters.  (Will's Youtube channel has some great footage of the journey he took during the release of the book) 

5.   The last chapter or our book of life is entitled Love... because it is the most important thing.  

"It is difficult to overestimate the power of a first experience in Africa. Two steps off the airplane, and I’m already crying. I’m not sure if it was my cells or my soul that recognized their origin, but it was visceral and overwhelming. We found a quiet place just outside the airport in Maputo, Mozambique; we all huddled, held hands, knelt down, and kissed the ground. One of the airport workers yelled out from the other side of the fence, “Welcome home, brothers!” " WS

Even through I found a few things I have in common with Will, I am always looking to walk into a story because of what I don't have in common with the author.  I am wanting to expand my understanding and learn about a world I know nothing about.  

"Memory is not a flawless recording of what actually happened. It’s not a video of your experience. It’s not even a photograph. It is your psychological, artistic rendering. It is more like an abstract impressionist painting of what happened than it is a pure, unfiltered depiction. And it’s not fixed..." WS

I always enjoy the wisdom I can reap from my reads.  Will Smith's story is no exception.  I am not restricted to finding wisdom from people older than me.  Will is six months younger, which almost makes the wisdom special because we are the same age.  

"Life is learning. Period. Overcoming ignorance is the whole point of the journey. You’re not supposed to know at the beginning. The whole point of venturing into uncertainty is to bring light to the darkness of our ignorance. I heard a great saying once: Life is like school, with one key difference—in school you get the lesson, and then you take the test. But in life, you get the test, and it’s your job to take the lesson.

We’re all waiting until we have deep knowledge, wisdom, and a sense of certainty before we venture forth. But we’ve got it backward—venturing forth is how we gain the knowledge.

Over the next few years, while our ignorance would rain down a deluge of pain and suffering, when I look back, I see clearly it could have been no other way. The universe only teaches through experience." WS

I usually like to send the author a link to the blog post, but there are some exceptions.  Will Smith won't be getting an email from me for obvious reasons of inaccessiblity... but I still want to say thank you.  So maybe something in the Cosmos can pass along my appreciation for this contribution to my journey.  Because that is what it was.... a contribution.  

"There is something strangely clarifying and cleansing about looking into the eyes of someone who has accepted their pending death. The awareness of death bestows profundity and clears all the bullshit out of the way. The finality of it all makes every moment feel infinitely significant. ...  Every laugh, every story takes on weight and meaning in that simple fact. Death has a way of transforming the mundane into the magical."  WS

There were so many great quotes I could share here, but I would have to copy and paste almost half of the book to get them all in here... so my advise... read the book!  It is an adventure and I am thankful for what "Will" taught me as I read this book.  I am also thankful that Will opened his personal world and share the stories that inspired him from the people that inspired him, like his grandmother, Gigi. 

"To Gigi, “God” and “love” were synonymous; they were inseparable, and indistinguishable. She worshipped God by loving others. Love was the only commandment that mattered—to her, if you were being loving, you wouldn’t need all the others." WS

I do want to mention one thing that bothered me during this read.  I was sharing with someone that I was reading this book, and I got an earful about "Will Smith"...  I guess there has been media uproar and that seemed to warrant a "Why would you read a book by Will Smith?"   Well, I am back to my heart message.... "Every story matters."  I didn't need to update myself on the media frenzy in order to enjoy the story.  I don't need to defend the authors actions or behaviour to enjoy the story.  In this moment... the story is what matters.  To invest my time in anything else... would take away from that story.  This is the heart of empathy and compassion.  I will only get compassion by getting close to a person's story... not the mess of the media.  

"I’ve realized that for some reason, God placed the most beautiful things in life on the other side of our worst terrors. If we are not willing to stand in the face of the things that most deeply unnerve us, and then step across the invisible line into the land of dread, then we won’t get to experience the best that life has to offer."  WS

I could have ended my post there... but I realize that this is a post about Will Smith and if I didn't include at least one of the moments that made me laugh... I would be missing a big part of his character.  

"I lined all of my cars and motorcycles up in front of the house and invited Daddio over so he could see how well I was doing. Daddio pulled up in his two-tone blue Chevy work van. He always believed that vehicles should have a utility. I stood proudly out front as he got out of the van. We hugged.

“I just got the ’Vette last week,” I said.

“These are all yours?” he asked, looking disdainfully at my fresh new fleet.

“Yup,” I said proudly. My arms were respectfully by my side, but in my mind my B-boy stance was on swole.

“Boy, why you need three cars?” he said. “You only got one ass.” " WS (1&2) 

Naomi and Will: Reading back to back... Two very different journeys

 I know... This is not how I normally do my book blog posts.  But I am enjoying a journey of reading I want to share that goes beyond just the books.  I will do a blog post for each book when I am finished reading them.  This is about the journey. 

Since I started both books... "Will" and "River of Time"  I have been reading them together.  I read a chapter of "Will" then a chapter of "River of Time"  Strangely enough, I am bringing Will Smith and Naomi Judd together in a way that is helping me navigate their stories.  It's like each of them is helping me understand the other.  Both are somehow symbiotic through the process.  

I don't know if I could handle each story on their own.  Naomi's story is painful, not just because of the story, but because of her recent death.  Her book "River of Time" is about her journey through mental illness... a journey that recently ended.  I don't know if I have it in me to immerse myself totally in the book, so I am thankful that I can read a chapter and then go back to "Will". 

Will's story is captivating, but strange.  I feel more akin to Naomi's journey, and more of a stranger to Will's story.  I can only take a chapter of Will's story and then I need to find my way back to Naomi.  She offers me more of a familiar ground of comfort and I don't feel so alienated from the protagonist.  

So back and forth I go... finding joy and new insight in Will's journey and embracing empathy and sorrow in Naomi's story.  Together, they invite me into their lives.  

They seem so different: different worlds, different people,  different celebrity careers.  Will is still alive, Naomi is dead.  Will still exudes hope and purpose, Naomi surrendered to her pain.  They do have one thing in common.  Both are multiple Grammy award winners.  Maybe they did cross paths along their journey.  

I am half way through each book.  Will has just procured the roll of Will in "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" and Naomi is in the hospital fighting for her health and sanity.  I will end this post with a quote from each book.  In just these few words, one can understand these are stories that go beyond a country music legend and an Academy Award winning actor.  These are the stories of two human beings just trying to navigate their world the best they can. 

"I was done praying. Why would a loving God let me sink so low now? Why would he let the disease in my brain become so unpredictable and my thoughts so dark? I felt that God was a phony and had abandoned me to this hideous mental illness, and I was mad as hell at him. My faith withered away. I went into spiritual exile."  Naomi

"Hope sustains life. Hope is the elixir of survival during our darkest times. The ability to envision and imagine a brighter day gives meaning to our suffering and renders it bearable. When we lose hope, we lose our central source of strength and resilience." Will 

Gaining perspective and wonder in "FOR SMALL CREATURES SUCH AS WE" by Sasha Sagan

 

"I do now have an increased urge to celebrate things with our daughter. ... But I can’t go through the motions. I can’t bring myself to tell her anything I don’t believe is true.

So I find myself eager to map out a year that is sometimes inspired and informed by the practices and beliefs of her ancestors on both sides, but not shackled by them. 

I want to create moments that make us feel united with other Earthlings, without the dogma that divides us. Religion, at its best, facilitates empathy, gratitude, and awe. Science, at its best, reveals true grandeur beyond our wildest dreams. My hope is that I can merge these into some new thing that will serve my daughter, my family, and you, dear reader, as we navigate—and celebrate—the mysterious beauty and terror of being alive in our universe."  SS

"Rituals for finding meaning in our unlikely world" is the subtitle of Sasha Sagan's book. I never imagined that I would find a way back to appreciating ritual, thanks to the daughter of Carl Sagan.   I don't usually include the fathers of my authors, but this time, since the title of the book was taken from one of Carl's quotes, I thought including his picture with that very quote would be significant.  

I haven't read anything by Carl Sagan yet.  So Sasha was my introduction to her famous father. 

 

"My father was a scientist. He was the astronomer and educator Carl Sagan. Science wasn’t just his occupation, it was the source of his worldview, his philosophy, his guiding principles. He and my mom, writer and producer Ann Druyan, taught me that belief requires evidence. They taught me that science wasn’t just a set of facts to be compared and contrasted with other philosophies but a way of testing ideas to see which ones stand up to scrutiny. They taught me that what scientists think today might be disproven tomorrow, and that’s wonderful, because that’s the pathway to a better, deeper understanding." SS

I always admire people who grow up in the care of great people, but find a way out of the shadow to have a voice in the world on their own.  Sasha Sagan is one of those people.  Her voice draws me into the realization that rituals are a part of life, not just the evidence of a decaying religious system.  

The greatest minds in history have often been wrong about lots of stuff. But the defining difference between science and religion is that you’re a better scientist if you take the ideas of the people who came before you, the people whose shoulders you stand on, the people who taught you everything you know—your teachers, your heroes, your mentors—and disprove them. Then you’ve done your job. Doing the same does not make you a better pastor, rabbi, cleric, or monk; upholding tradition does. SS

I still have baggage that I want to toss.  The baggage isn't so much the rituals or the idea of rituals, it is the meaninglessness I have felt being around and involved in various rituals. More often than not, I find no value in the repetition of religion.  Maybe there is value somewhere, I have just lost the ability to appreciate it.  

“Maruja says when you die you go to heaven and there are angels playing harps and you’re with God. And you guys say it’s like you’re asleep forever with no dreams. Who is right?”

My parents, without missing a beat, said in unison, “Nobody knows!”

And they didn’t just say it. They announced it like good news, joyful, enthusiastic, beaming.

This exchange was revelatory for me. Not because it gave me any clarity on the mystery of death, but because it gave me a window into the nature of life. It taught me that there is no shame in not knowing. Uncertainty is real. It need not be glossed over or buried. We can embrace it, even while we try to understand what we can.

I didn't grow up with an appreciation for uncertainty.  That came much later.  Someone had to be right, and it was usually my father.  I don't remember hearing an "I don't know" come out of his lips.  Maybe he was uncertain about some things, but I don't remember him confessing those moments to me.  But back then, what dad did? ... I guess Carl Sagan had the courage to admit that he didn't know.

 "We owe the sun our lives.
If worship is, at least in part, about gratitude, about bowing down to the source of our blessings and bounties, then our bright, hot neighbor fits the bill perfectly. And for this reason, a vast array of human belief systems have featured a sun god." SS 

I was first impressed with the idea of  gratitude coming from a non-religious perspective, when I read A.J. Jacob's book " Thanks a Thousand" .  Gratitude was more hands on and practical with A.J. and it seems like that is what resonates with Sasha... the practicality of gratitude.  

"What a simple, elegant gesture a clap is to show gratitude. We use it so freely to show appreciation for a speech or a performance; why not just one for a meal?

In the last few years Jon and I have taken to a very informal version of this sort of thing. Mostly it’s along the lines of “Thank you, farmers, thank you, fishies.” This is in part for Helena’s benefit. But feeling gratitude is not enough. Fasting is not enough. These rituals must compel direct action..." SS

I really liked how Sasha took me on a journey through the year, through the solstices, through the traditions and through the trauma of ritual and out the other side to something better.  

 "It was there, away from all the familial holiday pressure, that we first felt free enough to make our own traditions. Based not on what we were used to but on what we actually believed." SS 

"Christmas and Easter are hard times for me, because they are traditionally family times for gathering together, but the emphasis is on the religious tradition, more than the family gathering.  I guess that is why I have been soured toward rituals.  They have taken me away from my family.  But like Sasha, I am finding space to embrace the annual happenings, but in a fresh light that doesn't get me so depressed every time that time of year rolls around.  

"There is one more way I time travel back to my father. When I was little he told me that air particles stay in our atmosphere for such a long time that we breathe the same air as the people who lived thousands of years ago. I think about that often now. I can take a deep breath and know that some fraction of those particles were once breathed by my dad. What an intimate thing it is to breathe the air of someone you loved." SS

Okay... this was the best take away from the book for me.  Not since I had to let go of Heaven -- of the thought of  reuniting with my loved ones after I die, have I had such a great connection with them.   Just breathing brings my dad and my nephew and my grandparents back to me in such a profound way.  Thank you Sasha for that little nugget.  I don't think I will ever breathe the same again!   

"I hope it’s clear that this book is a tribute and a love letter to my parents, Ann Druyan and Carl Sagan. I cannot begin to express my gratitude that in all the randomness I ended up with them. Nothing in my life would be possible without them. I am who I am because of their love, their wisdom, their generosity, and their confidence in me." SS