The “me” I saw in that bathroom mirror had been formed by my faith. God sat at the top of the pyramid of my conceptual universe, like that weird eye on the back of the U.S. dollar bill. If I lost faith in God, if I lost faith in Christianity, what would be left of me?... Yes, there were other complications, practical matters like the question of how I would make a living if I lost faith. But the deepest question that stared me in the face was not financial or professional. It was existential: who would I be without God, without Jesus, without the Holy Spirit, without Christian faith? Would there even be a recognizable me left if I lost my faith? BM
Some books, like this one, cross my path and invite me into the story. It's those books that stay with me. I have yet to decide if this one is yet transformational or "life-changing". I'm not as quick to label my books that way so soon after reading them. But they stay with me... whether that means they take up space on my bookshelf or megabytes in my iPhone storage.
I am still on a quest. I want to feel good about myself for where I am on my journey. I want to feel that who I am and who I am becoming and what I think about both of those things actually matters. I am still not there. I still think I am flawed. I still look to others to validate my existence. I still need authors like Brian McLaren to remind me that I am okay.
Something in us wants to belong. But something in us also wants to be free, to be authentic, to be the truest, most genuine version of ourselves that we can. Those two desires can be in tension.
Something in us wants to be honest. But something in us also wants to be liked by those around us. And those two desires can be in tension.
Something in us wants to be good. But something in us also wants to be thought of as good by others. And those two desires are often in tension.
Something in us wants to be consistent. But something in us also wants to keep growing, and growing often means changing. So those two desires often conflict." BM
There it is... the desire to be authentic. Brian McLaren, like me, values authenticity... (Enneagram 4). I figure I have a choice in life... and it's not in choosing what I believe. I agree with Bart Campolo on that premise... I don't choose what I believe, I just believe or I don't believe. But I think my choice come in what I do as a response to myself and to others. I think I chose to feel like I don't matter. I think I could chose to feel like I do matter. I chose to let others opinions dictate my worth. I think I could chose to have faith in my own opinions. Wow... that is a revelation.
"If we dare take a first step, we discover that faith can be a road, a doorway out of the fortress prison of certainty and into the adventure of living.
Before us lies the unknown, which is our life." BM
This book is an invitation to anyone who has been feeling the tremors beneath their feet. The ground they stand on is shaking and there seems like nothing to hold on to that makes any sense. What Brian McLaren offers is not something concrete to hold onto, but a dance lesson to learn how to move one's feet with the tremors.
For the first time, it dawned on me: there’s a difference between doubting God and doubting my understanding of God, just as there’s a difference between trusting God and trusting my understanding of God. Would I be able to doubt my understanding of God while simultaneously trusting God beyond my understanding? In a strange way, that question for the first time in my life allowed me to see God as a mystery distinct from my concepts of God. BM
As one can see from my other blog posts... labels have been easier for me to let go of. Especially the label of "God"... but even in letting go of the label because of what it has come to define in my culture, I long to have a connection with that which gave me breath. So maybe it is the same concept... I could let go of the understanding and just embrace that which I fail to understand but long to still embrace.
"I was a very loyal person, respectful of authority and always ready to give the benefit of the doubt to my tradition and its spokespeople. But over time, I not only lost confidence in many of the beliefs that gatekeepers required: I lost faith in the gatekeepers themselves and their whole system of using beliefs as markers of belonging. If I was going to be a person of faith, it couldn’t be in a community that was obsessed with policing my beliefs. I needed a different understanding of faith entirely, as something beyond beliefs."BM
I get this... I have been disillusioned with the gatekeepers, and yet scared of them, but conflicted because of the admiration and love I have for some of those gatekeepers. I don't blame them for holding tight to their beliefs. I held tight to my beliefs because it was the only security I was given. I think security is a human need. So where do we go when that which was secure for us becomes an earthquake. Maybe we start dancing with the tremors.
"In that light, the word doubt can mean two very different things. When it is applied to faith that expresses itself in beliefs, it means one thing. When it is applied to faith that expresses itself in revolutionary love, it means something very different. Sometimes, it is only by doubting a religion that expresses itself in beliefs that we can discover a faith that expresses itself in revolutionary love.
That is what I mean by faith after doubt.
To some, that will sound like heresy. To others, it sounds like liberation." BM
I have taken up colouring. I like the guide lines and creative pictures that have been given me, but I get to fill in the colours. And lately, I discovered that I also get to decide how much gets coloured in and how much stays black and white. I don't need to have all the holes filled in. It takes the stress out of "completing" something that is so intricate and detailed in design. I colour what I can and then it becomes something beautiful in its "unfinishedness". That is my journey. Life offers me a black and white picture and gives me a bucket of pencil crayons and says "Have at it, be creative, but remember that this is a journey not a destination. Your picture will still be beautiful even if there are parts of the picture not filled in with your pencil crayons. "
"Faith was about love all along. We just didn’t realize it, and it took doubt to help us see it. " BM
(here is where I get honest... I am only two thirds of the way through the book... so when I get done reading the book, I will do a follow up blog post with my conclusions. I just got so much already from reading that I wanted to post something. )
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