I'll be okay with a little "PATIENCE WITH GOD" by Frank Schaeffer

PATIENCE WITH GOD: 

FAITH FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE RELIGION (OR ATHEISM) 

FRANK SCHAEFFER'S WEBSITE

"The point is not to argue over how we got here but to agree on a better vision of where we want to evolve to now, not just physically but also ethically. That is a project that we believers, and we agnostics and we atheists, can and should agree on. We don’t have to “fit” our ideas about how we perceive things together in order to work together. We can be the same “particle” but exist in two places at once." FS

I read a lot of books on my iPhone.  It really helps to keep track of the portions that resonate with me.  I tend to highlight in three different colours.  Yellow is "I need to read this again", Pink is "This could work in my blog post as a quote"  and Blue "This is profound and needs to go in my blog post because it's a life changer."  

If I put all the quotes that I highlighted in blue in my blog... I wouldn't have room for my own thoughts.  I may as well just recommend that you read the book and leave it at that.   

I read this book, because I must still be looking for someone to give me permission to be okay with my journey.  I still doubt myself and still look for affirmation that I going to be okay.  I guess the ship called "Safe and Sound" has long since sailed.   I just want to be okay.  

"Concentrating on belief rather than on character leads some people—be they atheist or religious—to get stuck on the training rules and miss the whole point of “boot camp.” They never get their “eagle, globe, and anchor” emblem and graduate. It’s as if there were platoons of recruits stuck on Parris Island who had never graduated and who, now as crazy old men, are still marching around yelling cadence, having mistaken the training phase for being Marines. Rifle drill and doing a perfect port arms are seen by this lost platoon of fundamentalist recruits as the end point, not a step along the road." FS

Maybe my search for the ultimate way for me to express my spiritual pathway is over.  Maybe I am okay not having an ultimate way, maybe I'm okay just being on a journey of discovery that doesn't have to look like anything else or necessarily be approved by anyone else.  Maybe I have graduated from "boot camp" and now being out in the world, and loving people and developing character is all there is too it.  Finding a way to be a better person, and stumbling along the way is all there is too it.  

"There is no theological answer as to “why God allows” suffering, some of the worst of which is caused by God’s followers and done in God’s name. There is no answer as to why God seems to be such a lousy parent. All the nonsense about how God permits suffering because of our free will—blah, blah, blah—is just scared religious people making excuses for their mean and/or grossly incompetent God.

What is the source of comfort, if any? It’s not found by making excuses for God or for Nature. It’s found in the reality of living by the light of the gift of love." FS

The days can be over where I have to defend why I think the way I do and why I don't agree with the billions of other human beings that have occupied the same planet in the cosmos as me.  I don't even have to explain why "bad things happen to good people" 

The fear can be over that I will be abandoned for being different or believing different or behaving different.  I think as I read over my blog posts, I am in good company with a lot of people who don't have it all together and who have ruffled feathers of a lot of people.  People, who don't have anything better to do with their time than condemn people to hell, because that seems like a more righteous option than loving them in their differences.  

Here's the thing.... I'm not that well known.  I don't get comments on my blog from people condemning me to hell.  That part is in my imagination.  I think I am a lot more loved than I give most people credit for.  I think there are a lot more people that have appreciated my contribution to this world than are worried for my soul.  I think I need to have a little more faith in people and have a little more faith in the common love that we share.  Love matters... and in that Love that matters... I just might find that I matter just the way I am.  

"Atheists, agnostics, Jews, Muslims, Eastern Orthodox, Hindus, Mormons, Roman Catholics, Protestants, et al. we are all on a journey. That journey is happening to us with or without our approval. It’s called evolution. Some of us say we believe “every word of the Bible” or “every word of the Koran” or “what science says” or whatever other scripture we hold dear, but we’re all slowly learning discernment because we are evolving in spiritual sensibilities as well as physically. This is why today, there are fewer religions that demand blood sacrifices than there used to be. This is why Christianity is less anti-Semitic than it used to be. This is why I believe that in the contest between extremism and moderation, enlightened Muslims will eventually win the hearts and minds of most Muslims, who, like almost everyone, want to love their families in peace.

I think that most people are better than their official theology and/or ideology. There are wars aplenty in the world and hatred abounds, but there is also peace aplenty and love abounds as well. There are extremists in all our camps—religious and secular—who’d kill the rest of us just to prove a point. They have the anger, or worse yet the blind certainty of their correctness, but the rest of us have the numbers. The future belongs to the peacemakers." FS

So thank you, Frank Schaeffer for putting the icing on the cake for me.  For telling me that I am okay just being on my journey.  That evolution isn't a cuss word, but a reality of the change that we all go through in this existence we call life.  

I am still going to read books by authors who get more hate mail than I do for what they write, because I need to support them.  They are the ones out there trying to affect some sort of change in their world.  They are the ones who are trying to tell people like me that "You are okay." And if all this blog is for, is to thank those authors for what they have given me, then I will keep reading and keep blogging and keep thanking those writers who are so much more braver than I am.  

"Okay, about that “fairy-tale” of religion. I discovered from the emails I’ve been inundated with since my memoir was published that there are more of us perplexed former (or currently) religiously inclined or religiously raised folks on a journey from past certainties to points unknown than I’d been aware of. We want to have faith in God in spite of our bad experiences with religion, oppressive family relationships, and/or doubts and questions. We too worry that we’ve been hoodwinked by a fairy tale. I hope that this book will provide a meeting place for those of us who count ourselves among the scattered members of what I’ll call the Church of Hopeful Uncertainty..." FS

Colour and Conviction from "THE VERY WORST MISSIONARY" By Jamie Wright.

 Jamie's Website "The Very Worst Missionary"

"I’m still trying to make peace with that silly child who daydreamed her life away. I’m still kind of pissed at the girl who was always unprepared, still disappointed in the one who didn’t do her work and frustrated by her inability to get her shit together. I’m annoyed with the girl who made a mess of her life and then pretended the only way out of the mess she’d created was exactly the way she wanted to go, as if it had been her plan all along. That girl? The one with so much “potential”?…Ugh. I just want to kick her.

Probably because I still am her." JW

Where do I start?  I thought I might start with a disclaimer, but looking back at the other blogs posts I've written, I don't think I have to.  I have already offended a vast amount of people in my life with some of the admissions I've blogged about.  I have been journalling through my book reads, so this one will be no different.  I read books for how they will help me on my journey.  But I rarely read books that invite me into a place I am so scared to go... only to find out I think I might just live there already.  This is one such book.  (That first quote... could have come from my lips.) 

"So, there’s this funny thing that happens when you get real in front of people: It’s that they start to get real in front of you." JW

I remember wanting to be a missionary when I was child.  It was a toss up between that and a police officer.  I don't know what gave me the desire, but in my world, the missionaries were important people.  They went to exotic places and experienced cultures I could only imagine.  Maybe it was my hunger for adventure that had me admiring the missionaries and their stories, but what ever the reason, they were important people to me. 

"In the process that led us there [Costa Rica], we had often been advised, “God doesn’t call the equipped. He equips the called.” We had practically congratulated ourselves for being inexperienced and unqualified for the work ahead. But surrounded by a whole bunch of other unqualified/ill-equipped missionaries, I began to question this logic." JW

I am not surprised when I read Jamie's chronicles of the messiness of "mission work".  I don't want to go into the details of that part of the story. Read it if you want to know the gory story behind the inspiration of the book.  What has moved me about this book is not so much the dirty details of foreign mission work (and there are more than most want to admit... hence the driving theme of the book), but something much deeper and more beautiful.  It is much more than her story; it is her passion, it is her vibrancy, her tenacity, her authenticity, her rawness, and yes, even her colourful language. 

I was born with a sharp tongue and the poor taste to say out loud what everyone else is only thinking. JW

My dad was the first person I heard swear.  He was yelling at the dog.  I remember it well, I remember where we were, I remember the dog and I remember the word.  It is still my favourite expression when I am severely frustrated.  

Scheiße (pronounced Shi-za)

My Google search translates that as "crap", but we all know what it really means.  Dad didn't say "crap" when Champ got loose... he said "Scheiße".  He was angry and that is what angry Germans say.  

There are so many descriptors today to call what we really know as our verbal expressions of frustration and anger.  Swear words; foul or unclean language; offensive speech; "Pardon my French"... but in this post, I am going to refer to it as colourful language.  Because to me.. there is a colourful beauty to authenticity... and when it's authentic expression of the ugliness of life, or the pain, heartache, stupidity that surrounds us on a daily basis.  Maybe the only response to it all is Scheiße. 

"But around Jeff and Kathy I could be my own someone. I could be sarcastic and sweary, opinionated, passionate, moody, funny, scared, scarred, and just generally goofy. Not only did they make space for my nature, but they coaxed it out of hiding by showing their true colors first. They were just real. Around their table we talked freely about our doubts and disappointments. We openly shared observations, good and bad, about life and faith and church. We debated. Sometimes we disagreed. But we came in as ourselves and we left as ourselves, and I think this respect for one another’s differences elevated our friendship even further." JW

Being myself --  What does that look like?  I don't really know.  I long for it, but I fear offending people still.  I fear alienating people that I love from my life. 

I was brought up in a culture that told me it was important to be conformed to a standard of defined decency and behaviour.  I want to share a quote from Tony Campolo that helps me understand a better perspective and a change in priorities.  

“I have three things I'd like to say today. First, while you were sleeping last night, 30,000 kids died of starvation or diseases related to malnutrition. Second, most of you don't give a shit. What's worse is that you're more upset with the fact that I said shit than the fact that 30,000 kids died last night.” Tony Campolo

I wonder how inauthentic we are all being because we are trying to keep the colour out of our speech, so as not to offend others.  My dad was being real when he yelled at the dog.  He was authentically angry.  He didn't hide his anger.  There was nothing wrong with that.  Even the part of teaching the baby of the family how to swear. 

I don't want to take up this whole post of the do's and don't of the colour of language. I do want to highlight the conviction of character that shone through in Jaime's story.  Here are some quotes from the book that show her beautiful conviction and sassy character.  

"When we do what we were designed, equipped, and educated to do best, in the company of a God who continually nudges us in the direction of love, I think that’s when we find ourselves in the most productive, most compassionate, most life-changing spaces." JW

"Who are you to judge? they demand to know.

Who was I to complain about the very system that had gotten me into missions in the first place?

Who was I to cast doubt on the people who came before me?

Who was I to wonder about God’s intent for the church and for the world?

Who was I to ask such questions? And what they really wanted was for everyone to see that the answer was Nobody. That way my opinion was worthless." JW

"I think most of us would love to do the next right thing, but what if, like me, you feel overwhelmed and paralyzed because you don’t know what the next right thing is? What if your life is actually super complicated, and you have lots of experience doing what you thought was the right thing only to have it end up being totally wrong?" JW

"Pretending to be someone else is exhausting. I’d given so much energy to keeping up appearances that when I finally realized I could drop the act altogether, it was like stepping out of a furry suit on a hot summer day. In a word, it was refreshing. It was terrifying too, because all of a sudden I was seeing and feeling and experiencing the world as my own self, and I felt exposed. But for the first time ever, I also felt free." JW

"You don’t have to understand how to cure someone to know and care that they are sick. When it comes to making the world a better place, we should all be looking for helpful ways forward, so don’t let anyone convince you that you shouldn’t engage in hard conversations. Your voice matters." JW

Thank you, Jamie for telling me, among so many things,  that "my voice matters".  I seriously doubt that most of the time. I loved your story about Knives.  I share your love for challenged cats and even more challenged human beings.  There is so much in this world that deserves to painted up with a little more colour. 

I read through the whole book, and found only one phrase that was truly foul.  And maybe you wouldn't call this inappropriate or offensive.  Maybe you still believe it.  But over the years, I have found this is the most foul word that has turned me off of the portrait of the God that so many believe in.  

"I do believe that God can use anyone to do anything." JW

I gave this book a 4 out of 5 star rating on iBooks because of one word and it is not a four letter word, it is a three letter word. Being used by anyone is not love.  Words have meaning to me.  If being used by people isn't love, how can being used by God be love.  Enough said on that topic. 

Will I recommend this book?  Emily Worrall did... 

“Jamie writes with eloquence, humility, and snark (no doubt a spiritual gift). Everyone should read this brave book.” EW

Although I agree with the first statement, I am hard pressed to agree that "everyone should read this brave book".  Another foul word in my book... "should".  I know a lot of people who can't get pass the colour to discover the heart of the message.  Maybe that is their loss.  It was almost mine.  I have to be honest.  I almost gave up.  I almost found the colour too much. (Still a "work in process")  But then I would have missed this. 

To bring light and hope, you and I must show up for life in our homes, in our neighborhoods, in our workplaces, and in our schools not as “missionaries” and self-proclaimed blessings but as imperfect parents, genuine friends, competent professionals, and messy people. We must show up as safe havens, not as mini saviors. We must bravely show up in our everyday lives to do our best with what we have, listening carefully, serving sensibly, and loving fully as active participants in the story of who God is and what God does." JW (the emphasis on the 'nots' is mine... I didn't want anyone to miss that) 

"We don’t need to spend another second of our life wondering about our spiritual calling, because we’re already right here in the thick of it. We’re already called. It doesn’t matter where you live, whom you know, what you can do, or how much you have to offer; you were called into the fray on the day you were born, and your calling is love.

Love God and love others. That’s the whole deal.

"But to love others well, we have to see them as whole people in a big picture, not just as cute little vignettes to be used in our own narrative. We have to remember that no matter how rich, poor, foreign, different, or messed up they might seem, they are as called by God and as rich in love as we are. " JW

"So, as much as it depends on you and me, let’s agree to write an epic of love to the benefit of others.

I can’t say exactly what this is all supposed to look like for you—our roles in God’s wild purpose for the world are as unique as each of us. But I imagine that our mission of mercy is similar, and it might look a little like this:

Show up as needed to love your neighbor with your eyes wide open and your arms outstretched. Start by doing your best…and then, tomorrow, do better." JW