"CHOOSING TO SEE" says it all.. by MaryBeth Chapman

"He leaves little bits of evidence all along the way – bread crumbs of grace – that can give me what I need to take the next step. But I can only find them if I choose to SEE." MBC

As I peruse the covers of some of the books I have read in the last few years, I see a common theme.  I am "Choosing to SEE" through the eyes of people, of authors that I have little in common with.  I enjoy books that help me navigate the path I am on, and read a lot of those books that help me make sense of the things I am thinking and the journey I am on.  Then comes along a book that sends me off on a different trajectory.  One where I am not looking to be understood by the author, but one where I get the opportunity to understand a different perspective and see life from someone else's eyes.  

"Choosing to SEE"  is one of those books.  

I've told my kids for years that God doesn't make mistakes," writes Mary Beth Chapman, wife of Grammy award winning recording artist Steven Curtis Chapman. "Would I believe it now, when my whole world as I knew it came to an end?"

Covering her courtship and marriage to Steven Curtis Chapman, struggles for emotional balance, and living with grief, Mary Beth's story is our story--wondering where God is when the worst happens. In Choosing to SEE, she shows how she wrestles with God even as she has allowed him to write her story--both during times of happiness and those of tragedy. Readers will hear firsthand about the loss of her daughter, the struggle to heal, and the unexpected path God has placed her on. Even as difficult as life can be, Mary Beth Chapman Chooses to SEE.

I picked up this book in the fall of 2017... the year my nephew died.   On first glance, it was a book I thought my sister "should" read.  After all, she was the one who lost her son, not me.  What was I going to get out of a book written by a woman who was everything I am not... especially the one thing that I struggled to understand the most,  but couldn't... being a mother.

I decided to read it anyway, and not give it to my sister.  I needed to trust that if this book would help her on her journey, then it would find its way to her, like it had found its way to me.  

"As I’ve said, Maria loved food, and she loved Barbara’s yeast rolls and homemade butter. She’d spread a thick layer of butter on a roll and then lick it off . . . then she’d spread more butter on the roll and lick that off . . . then she’d stick her finger in the pats of butter and lick that off. We’d always tell her to stop eating all that butter. It wasn’t good for her.

But now, as he looked at the rolls, Steven started to sob. “Why didn’t I just let her have all the butter she wanted?” he cried.

We both knew the answer to that. He was simply trying to parent her well. But the pain was so strange, so huge, set off by a thousand ordinary memories every time we turned around.

And we had only just begun our long, painful journey of grief." MBC

The story is tragic and heart wrenching.  Well known family in the world of "Contemporary Christian Music", The Chapmans find themselves in the middle of the worst tragedy of their life.  Their seventeen year old son, returning home from school, pulls the car in to the driveway, but didn't see his little sister that had run up to greet him...

"I realized I was hearing odd sounds outside – not just the yelling of happy play but screams and commotion. I bolted into the kitchen to head outside just as Shaoey ran up the back steps and met me there.
“Mom!” she yelled. “Will’s hit Maria with the car!”
I flew outside. Will was near the garage, holding his little sister in his arms. There was a lot of blood, on both of them.
“Maria!” Will was crying. “Maria! Wake up!” " MBC

The Chapmans already had three children from birth, and chose to adopt three more beautiful children from China; their youngest was a girl that they named Maria.  She was five years old the day that she died. 

With my own tragedy still fresh, walking through the Chapman's story was like walking back in the tornado, but this time seeing what it was like to be there.  Reading the story, I started to feel what it must have been like to hear the screams, see the blood and feel the horror of the moment.  All things I didn't experience in my own loss.  

There were some things that felt similar between MaryBeth's story and my own. We both got asked the same question... 

"When people ask how we are doing, the first thing I always say is, “I want Maria back. I want my son Will Franklin not to have this as a chapter in his story. I want my children to be healthy, my family secure. I don’t really care whose life has been touched or changed because of our loss!”

That is the heart of a mother who lost a daughter and is determined not to lose another child. I believe God can handle my heart, my questions, and my anger. It’s okay to want Maria back. It’s okay to be angry. The question is, what do I do with it all? What do I do with God? In the midst of such heartbreak, do I really believe that all things work together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose?" MBC

As much as we were different in our lives, stories and even our tragedies, I somehow found myself embraced by a woman who was asking the same question I was.  "What do I do with God?" 

Maybe that is why I picked up the book.  Because it was another pain filled voice that asked those heart wrenching questions that are so common during tragedy.  I don't think I was looking for MaryBeth to give me a way out of my horror story.  If I could change things for her, I would rather have been there on that lawn, and swooped that girl away from the path of the car, and saved them from the experience.  The world would not have this book, or the resulting songs that came from Steven Curtis Chapman out of his own grief.  I would not have their understanding or help... but I would gladly do without, it if I could give them back their daughter, Maria and take "this chapter" away from their son, Will.  

And yet she writes the very thing what I wish I could have spared her from. 

"Even in this free fall of pain, I’ve landed on a solid foundation and my faith has held . . . on most days. I have learned that God is good . . . always. Hope is real. I have found – even in the awful pain of tears and grief so intense you think it will kill you – that my family and I can do hard. We’ll never get over our loss, but we’re getting through it. And so I have prayed that our journey through the shadows of loss might be of some help to those who have experienced similar pain . . . that our stewardship of this story would comfort many." MBC