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Wednesday, January 15, 2014


This is the 25th post of the  Ruby Gets Real blog and I want to talk about sex. 

Now that I have your attention... 

Here's the thing... I'm not a parent.  Never have been one and never will be one.  So I can't really talk fairly about the challenge that most parents have when approaching the subject of sex with their children.  


Maybe I can share something of my life that might give some inspiration to parents when this subject comes up.  

Most parents aren't the best communicators when it comes to sex.    Especially parents that are immersed in the church culture.   Sex seems to be the forbidden subject in most homes.  The subject of sex usually isn't brought up in the home until it is too late.  And then when it is brought up, it isn't very graceful: more like awkward and condemning.  I understand that scenario. 

I'm not going to go into my life story here.  That would take too long.  But I still want to share some thoughts.  That is why I blog... to share thoughts.  

I am sure I am not the only one who experienced fear tactics, as a youth and young adult, with the intention to keep me pure. Maybe the fear works for some but it didn't work very well for me.  The fear only increased the rebellion, shame and guilt.  Now I understand that it was my parent's way of protecting me.  They loved me and didn't want to see me get hurt. But I didn't get that back then. 

What I heard was...

"Sex outside of marriage is bad!"

What I felt was...

"Sex is good.  So what if I'm not married!"

Looking back, I often wonder what I needed to hear so I could understand the whole picture better.  I came up with one statement.  

"Sex is better when you're married."

This is something I can testify to now that I am married.  

What was I missing back then?  I couldn't see what it was like on this side of the fence.  I didn't know of the worth it was to wait.  I didn't have that "til death do us part" relationship.  How was I supposed to know? 

  Maybe I needed to hear what was waiting for me on the other side.  

When I was single, no one told me about the beautiful flowers that awaited me in the garden of marriage, they only told me about the weeds in the ditch on the side of the solitary highway. 

I think it is okay to promote the beauty of  intimacy in marriage and give our youth something to look forward to...  more so than preaching about the evils of premarital sex. That doesn't seem to be making much of a difference in today's world.  It only adds fear, guilt and condemnation into a person's soul which gets carried into the marriage relationship.

I came up 7 reasons why I believe sex is better when you're married.  


...  sex is about relationship, not about performance. 

... sex is a journey of intimacy and knowledge, not a one night stand. 

... sex is about love, not lust.

... it's not about being perfect, just perfect for each other. 

... there is long lasting joy in fulfilling your spouse's needs,
 not just the temporary ecstasy in meeting your own. 

... you can kiss the guilt and shame goodbye.

...  your lover is your best friend, and your best friend is your lover.  

I wonder if we share this side of the story, maybe there would be more incentive to wait until marriage. That has to be a better option than the fear, guilt and condemnation... cause no one likes those. 

I am sure now that most parents of teenagers understand the pressures and the media influences that are out there. I am also sure that most parents themselves are filled with a certain amount of fear, because they know the heartache out there that awaits their sons and daughters. 

Looking at the above list and thinking this over in my head, I came up with one more point. 

In Marriage, Sex is no longer the adhesive - the glue that keeps the relationship together, but it becomes seasoning that flavours and spices up the relationship.  The adhesive becomes your love and commitment to each other. 

I also know the sad thing is that all marriages are not like this... but the wonderful thing is that they can be.  That is the joy and the adventure about becoming one flesh.  And I think this is why God designed sex for marriage. 

 If  I had kids... I figure I would share with them my story, and I would tell them more about the beautiful flowers in the garden than I would about the weeds on the highway.  

(this ... from someone who knows flowers and weeds) 

( I know the marriage today is different than what it was 50 - 100 years ago,  but I got married with the full intent to experience the kind of marriage that kept my grandparents together for 58 years and my parents together for 43.5 years.  The wedding rings my husband and I wear, to signify our commitment to each other, come from those two marriages. That's the kind of marriage I'm talking about.  One flesh... til death do us part.) 

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